Dying Gets Boring After a While
by Eternal Nocturne
Summary: Link dies... Over and over and over! Stories within a story. -Any universe, any pairing-
1. MAH BOI : OoT

_**A/N: This is what happens when I haven't written a story in forever and then get hyper on one of my story-writing days.**_

_**Basically, each chapter is a story on its own. They all take place in different Zelda games and generally have nothing to do with each other. Characters might or might not be OOC; depends on how I'm feeling. XD**_

_**DISCLAIMER: "The Legend of Zelda" and all rights, including the copyrights of the games, scenario, music and program, reserved by Nintendo. TM and (r) are trademarks of Nintendo. All rights reserved.**_

_**-Dying Gets Boring After a While-**_

~:~ **Chapter One – MAH BOI** (OoT-verse) ~:~

"You have to stab the potato, Link."

"Err… What?"

Rauru stood before Link and straightened his back, puffing up his chest.

"I said… You have to stab the potato, Link."

Link looked at him as if he was a madman. In the background, Navi was having a party underneath Link's shield.

"No, no; I heard what you said… It's just…" the child-turned-man stuttered for words as he fiddled with his new glove. "…What do you mean by that?"

"What do you mean 'what do you mean by that?'"

"…What do you mean 'what do you mean 'what do you mean by that?''"

"What do you mea—"

"HEY!" Navi suddenly shouted, pulling at Link's ear and making him fall down to the floor in a big heap of pain. "I'm having a party in there, for Nayru's sake! KEEP IT DOWN!" She fluttered back into Link's shield, where she pumped up the music and danced crazily with her nonexistent friends.

"…Yeeeaaah… Umm…" Link slowly got up and rubbed the back of his neck. "…Just _why_ do I have to stab a potato?"

"Not _a_ potato, Link," Rauru corrected wisely, shaking a pudgy finger at him. "_The _potato."

"…Right. _The_ potato. Why do I have to stab _the_ potato?"

"Because it is your destiny, child."

"But you just told me that I'm not a child anym—"

"SHUSH!" Rauru rushed over to Link with lightning-fast speed and stuffed a finger down Link's throat, causing him to gag.

"ACK! RA— RAU… RU…!"

"Sssh! _They_ will hear you," the Sage of Light ominously whispered into his ear. Link was too occupied with the finger wedged halfway down his throat to listen to him, however.

At that moment, the wise Rauru noticed that Link was helplessly choking and took that as a sign that he was trying to tell him that there was treasure hidden somewhere down there.

The Sage shuffled his finger around.

Link kicked his nuts like no tomorrow.

Rauru laughed heartily.

"HO HO HO HO! MAH BOI!"

Link choked from lack of air and died.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Wasn't that the most epic thing you've ever read?**_

_**Let me answer that for you.**_

_**No.**_

_**(LinkLuver3, this story will have tons of stuff from our conversations. XD)**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter One – Completed September 10, 2010**_


	2. The iPod Shovel : LA

_**A/N: Please note that this story is only supposed to be one big joke. XD Nothing is serious, so please don't take it as such. Also, each chapter is meant to be a separate "story," not a continuation of the previous chapter.**_

**_*WARNING! STUPID CHARACTER ALERT!*_**

~:~ **Chapter Two – The iPod Shovel **(LA-verse) ~:~

Link was hungry.

Very hungry.

"I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!" he exclaimed for nobody to hear. He started skipping around Koholint Island like a little girl, or a hippo that got high on rotten mangoes.

All of a sudden, he bumped into a wall.

"HEY! When did this wall get here?" he questioned the Goddesses, licking the said wall with his hair.

_Because some aardvarks got bored one day and wanted to play poker, _answered Nayru.

Link ignored the almighty Goddess and took a few steps back, looking above him.

"SHOP," Link read aloud. He stood there for an hour. "OH! I get it now!" he exclaimed happily. "It's a shop! I bet they give out free food here!"

He ran back all the way to nowhere and found Marin.

"Marin! I found food! COME ON!"

—Link got Marin!—

He ran back to the shop in under twenty-two seconds. Since his hands were full of Marin, he opened it with his eyes and then stepped in, leaving Marin outside.

"WELCOME!" the shopkeeper greeted.

"WELCOME!" Link greeted back. He looked around the shop and eventually found a shovel.

_With the shovel, I can do the duck walk!_ Link thought. _With the duck walk, I can find elevators! With elevators, I won't be hungry anymore!_

"How much is that shovel?" Link politely asked.

"Four million Rupees," the storeowner responded.

"Deal!"

Link grabbed the shovel and casually walked out the door. When he closed it, he heard something explode behind him. A cucco squawked and then swallowed an egg. On the other side of the dimensions, the Fierce Deity blew up a pineapple and laughed like a maniac.

"Marin, look at this awesome iPod I just bought!" shouted Link enthusiastically, holding up his shovel. Marin held her hands together and looked at it in awe.

"Oh! So _that's_ what an iPod is!" she commented. "I've always been wondering! You know, there are these two guys that walk by in front of my house every night wearing strange clothes and talking about iPods—"

"CATCH!"

Link picked Marin up and threw her into the sea.

_Poor Marin_, Nayru said, shaking her godly head as she watched the poor girl begin to get ripped apart by the raging, salty tides of the five-inch ocean.

Meanwhile, Link dug the shovel (well, actually, the iPod) into a tree and began singing.

"I…

…just wasted…

…TEN SECONDS OF YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIFE~!"

Every window in the world shattered into a thousand little slices of pizza. Mice immediately scurried over and devoured them, thus ending world hunger for good.

"Hey, there's something right with this iPod!" cried Link, licking the shovel while hopping on one foot. He rushed back into the shop.

The shopkeeper greeted him with welcoming, joyful, and overly-sympathetic eyes.

"I wasn't kidding when I said pay!" he bellowed, a wicked smile plastered on his face.

"Aww, thank you!" Link replied, hugging his shovel.

"Now, you'll pay THE ULTIMATE PRICE!"

"YAAAAAY!"

He zapped him, and then Link fell into nothingness.

He saw Marin.

"That's what you get!" she yelled.

"…Where's my iPod?"

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: MWAHAHAHA!**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Two – Completed September 27, 2010**_


	3. Pinoez : TP

_**A/N: Mwahahaha. :3**_

**~:~ Chapter Three – Pinoez **(TP-verse) **~:~**

Once upon a time, there was a donkey. This donkey looked so much like a donkey that he was a donkey. One day, he realized that he was a donkey and died.

Fourteen days and ten dog years later, Link was running backwards with a pineapple on his head through Hyrule Field. Earlier, he had successfully trapped Midna inside of the pineapple so that she wouldn't have to hide in his shadow anymore and risk getting stepped on by him or poked to death with grass.

All of a sudden, Midna was released from the pineapple.

"NO," she yelled quietly.

"YES," Link muttered loudly.

And they lived happily ever after.

…

However, Ash Ketchum interrupted their "happily ever after" by throwing a Pokeball at Link and catching him. Doomed to forever replace Pikachu as Ash's loyal partner, Link traveled with Ash through vast lands far and wide and eventually helped him become the ultimate Pokemon Master [of the trading card game].

One day, Ash came out of a wall while Link was eating his foot.

"Link," Ash sweetly yelled while being constipated, "I'm going to become a muffin."

"NOOOOO!" Link whispered as he watched Ash turn into a zebra. He ran over to the new animal and hugged his leg. "Don't worry; I'll get you to the zoo where you can live with calculators for the rest of your life!"

And so they departed on an epic journey to the zoo. However, Ash the Zebra wanted to eat Link's hat, so he committed suicide by eating his stomach.

Link wanted to become a math professor with Midna all of a sudden. Upon traveling back to his homeland of Hyrule, he was appalled to find out that his companion had transformed everyone into geometric shapes.

"No! I hate math!" Link wailed blissfully while eating a bagel. Then Midna licked Link's boot.

"How are you?" she asked evilly, handing him a flower.

"FIRST I DRANK THE OCEAN AND THEN I SMOKED a lamp," responded Link. It was then that he decided that he needed an extreme wardrobe change. He also needed the narrator to describe his clothes in excruciating detail.

He was wearing a dark vermillion hat that changed colors depending on his emotions with luminous beads stitched onto the sides, all 3/4ths of an inch apart from each other, except for the last bead, which was exactly 1.232/4ths of a yard away from the last cross-stitched sapphire-blue-like-the-ocean bead, which was 3/4ths of an inch away from the emerald-green-like-the-eternal-forest bead, which was 3/4ths of an inch away from the ruby-red-like-the-flaming-hot-sun-that-will-kill-you-if-you-get-too-close bead, which glittered in all two colors of the sparkling iridescent rainbow that reminded him of a time when he licked a calculator and wanted to become a pair of scissors that loved to ride on pinoez all day long. Then he got tired of wanting to explain his clothing in great detail, and he also wondered what a pinoez was, so he jumped off of a cliff and died.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I got inspired all of a sudden and wrote this chapter in a few minutes! XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Three – Completed May 22, 2011**_


	4. Facebook : MM

_**A/N: Mwahahaha. :3**_

**~:~ Chapter Four – Facebook **(MM-verse) **~:~**

Link was fishing in a volcano with his non-existent fishing rod when he smelled a cow give birth to a chicken.

"OMG, Tatl, we should like, totally go check out the awesome new chicken!" Link exclaimed depressingly. Then he felt like he loved life so he committed suicide by eating his tunic. However, he had a fairy in a bottle, so he was revived right away.

"Link, you shouldn't do that. It'll give you cancer," Tatl warned wisely, floating around his head. "Let's go see that new chicken!"

"Wait, like, what's a chicken?" asked Link, nibbling on a piece of chicken.

"I dunno," Tatl answered. "I think that they're like Cuccos, except that they don't grow up by following a little boy dressed in green playing a song on a sacred instrument."

"OMG, that's, like, horrible!" Link wailed. "That's, like, against Farore's law in every way, OMG!"

"…Link?" Tatl asked.

"Like, yeah?" Link responded, licking a shark. "OMG!"

"Have you ever heard of Facebook?"

"Like, what's that?"

"Let me show you."

Tatl used her awesome time-bending powers to jump ahead to [insert number here] years in the future. She strapped Link to a computer chair and force-fed him a wet calendar before opening up Facebook for him.

"Link, this is a place where you can "Like" everything you want!" Tatl exclaimed happily. "I just assumed that since you love to say "like" so much, this was a good id—"

"Shut up, Tatl; me and my hundreds of friends don't like you," snapped Link as he just finished Friending his 999th friend.

"B-but… Link…" Tatl choked, tears falling from her eyes. "Y-you… don't like me anymore…?"

"OMGUUSIEAO!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo! I don't understand your complicated Internet language!"

"U ned 2 git out of her b4 I slixe u wit mah sord an keel u wit a banananananana!1!1!11"

"It's like I don't even know you anymore!"

Tatl left the room and headed for the bookstore. She was eager to learn this new language that Link had mastered so quickly so that she could effectively communicate with him once again. After seconds and seconds of tiring searching, she finally found the book she was looking for: _How to Cook Water_ by Princess Zelda.

Tatl read until the very last page of the book.

"This book is so boring!" she exclaimed, placing it in a microwave. "But on the dark side, I found out what a chicken is! I need to go tell Link!"

Tatl rushed to Link. Unfortunately, she found out that he was dead because he had been Poked too many times by his limitless amount of friends.

"WHY IS THE WORLD SO GREAT?" wailed Tatl in a happy, sorrowful voice.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I personally don't use Facebook (except to chat with one single person), so I apologize if there are some mistakes. XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Four – Completed May 22, 2011**_


	5. I and the Paper Towel : TWW

_**A/N: I'm on a roll. ;D Finals, finals, ugh—I still have time to write! XD**_

_**M-my arms… they hurt…**_

_**Oh wow, I just realized that I forgot to post this… I accidentally posted Chapter Six in place of this one, haha…**_

**~:~ Chapter Five – I and the Paper Towel (**TWW-verse) **~:~**

"…So, if I put this fruit on my head, I can possess a bird?"

"That's correct."

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"Let me repeat that. So, if I put this _fruit_ on my head, I can _possess_ a _bird_?"

"Again, that's correct!"

"…Do you know how stupid that sounds?"

Link took a bite out of the Hyoi Pear and kicked some sand into the ocean.

"H-hey! Don't _eat_ it—!"

"What has the world come to? I'm talking to a boat that tells me that I can possess birds by putting fruit on my head… Well, then again, the world is full of sadness and sorrow anyway… Everyone will die eventually… Those poor, awesomely depressing birds… How I weep for them…"

The King of Red Lions huffed and glared a bit too suspiciously at Link. Today the young boy had randomly decided to dress in full black clothes. He had also decided to dye his hair black and paint his fingernails black as well. The only thing that _wasn't_ black was Link's awesomely manly hot-pink lipstick.

Not only that, but Link also reasoned that he needed to act depressing and suicidal all the time. Earlier the King of Red Lions had witnessed the young boy getting beaten up by Chu-Chus. When the possessed boat questioned why, he answered,

"Because it _hurts so good_!"

At that moment, the great Jabun died, and a pot rolled down a hill while NOT gathering moss.

Link was getting worse by the minute. After he finished eating the pear, he began to lick a tree with his hair because he had once seen a guy who dressed peculiarly like himself lick a wall with his hair.

Link's hair really liked to lick the tree, so Link cut his hair because he would not allow himself to feel joy of any kind, because that was completely unacceptable. The purpose of life, after all, was to be as sad and depressed as possible. As he looked around Outset Island, he suddenly decided to hate everyone because they were smiling. _Smiling! _What a _disgrace_!

And so, Link knew what he had to do. First, he sought out a bucket. He would not accept a perfect, clean bucket, so when he found one, he punctured exactly 13 holes into it and smashed it against his leg.

"ARGH! Yes! I hurt myself!"

Then, Link ran to the King of Red Lions and boarded him. He sailed off into the ocean without a second thought.

"Link, where are we going?" the boat asked.

"Somewhere where we can find water," Link answered as he began to shave the wood off of the King's head with the Master Sword.

"Hey— Ow! OW! Stop tha— OWWW!"

"Hahaha! EMBRACE THE PAIN!"

When the sword ended up poking out one of the boat's eyes, the King flipped over and abandoned Link forever.

And ever.

And _ever._

Link, however, just so happened to have some shaving cream with him at the time (which he named "I"), so together, he and I slept across the ocean until they arrived at a lamp-making company that floated in the sky.

Link and I walked in the door.

"Hello, sir! How can I help you?" some random worker asked.

"Excuse me," Link asked politely. "Can I kill you?"

"Why, you sure can!" the man answered ecstatically. He dropped to the floor and started to do the Worm.

"That's great, but I don't want to kill you anymore," said Link as I fell to the floor with a loud clatter.

"Noooo! Link!" I wailed happily. "Come back! Come baaaack!"

Link walked off. A few minutes later, a paper towel found I and they lived happily ever after.

One hundred years after that moment, Link was a young old man who ate jumbo shrimp for breakfast. As he yelled at himself about why he hadn't died yet, the paper towel and I—a long-lived happily-married couple—broke down the windows to Link's bathroom and clogged the toilet using ice cream.

When Link entered the bathroom twenty-five years later, he was appalled at how colorful the ice cream was and died from happiness.

"Oh no, Link died!" I cried.

"It's okay, I," the paper towel comforted. "He's in a better place."

In the Sacred Realm, the Goddesses were scolding Link for not sharing the ice cream in his toilet.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Written because I realized that there are a lot of people who try to act "emo" because they think it's cool…**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Five – Completed May 27, 2011**_


	6. Angry Cuccos : TP

_**A/N: In the midst of the E3 hype, I bring you this. It's the longest chapter yet! This is the one I never thought I'd write… Being a huge ZeLink fan and all. XD**_

_**LinkLuver3… Sorry, but this one got WAY off track from what I originally planned this chapter to be about… Next chapter will have that theme, I promise! :)**_

_**EDIT: "Midst of the E3 hype" = back when this was written, not when it was posted. XD**_

**~:~ Chapter Six – Angry Cuccos **(TP-verse) **~:~**

"Okay, wait! Okay, I have another one— Wait! Princess! Don't—don't walk away! Princess!"

The princess stopped in her tracks, groaned, and then turned around to face the "almighty" Hero of her kingdom. Who let him in the Castle anyway? She put on her best smile and laced her fingers together.

"Yes, Link? What is it now?"

"I have another joke!" he said with an overly-happy grin.

Zelda's eye twitched and her smile almost fainted into a frown. But as the Crown Princess of Hyrule, she had been trained to hide her emotions expertly, so Link didn't notice.

"That's great, Link—"

"YAY!" He got uncomfortably close to Zelda. "Okay, I used to hear this one in Ordon _all_ the time: What's the definition of a good farmer?"

"Ohh, let me think…" said Zelda, pretending to be in deep thought. She glanced at Link, who was acting like an impatient little kid by jumping up and down and sporting the most idiotic grin in the history of idiotic grins. "…One who grows the best vegetables?"

"NO!" Link responded, twirling around in circles. "A man _outstanding_ in his field! Ha! Get it? A man out-standing in his field? 'Cause, you know, farmers stand out in their fields!"

He giggled obnoxiously. Zelda felt like jumping off of the edge of Snowpeak.

"OH! Here's another one! Why did the Stalfos go to the party alone?"

"…Because he had nobody to go with him?"

"WRONG!" Link replied. Then he paused for effect. "…Because he had no _body_ to go with him! Hahahaha!"

Zelda pondered about what would happen if she hired some assassins to go after him. Her patience was thinning.

"Link, I'm very busy right now—"

"Wait! Here's another one! What washes up on tiny beaches?"

Zelda groaned.

"Your dead body?"

"Haha! That's the best answer your came up with so far, Princess!" replied Link ecstatically. Zelda began to walk away, but he chased after her and started dancing to an ancient Goron ritual song that he started to hum very unskillfully. "But actually, the answer is microwaves!"

"Link, ugh… Where did you hear that one? What's a microwave?"

"I dunno," he said, shrugging. He continued to walk down the halls of Hyrule Castle with her. "Ooh, you wanna hear a story now?"

Zelda was silent for a few moments.

"Suuure…"

She knew that she would regret this.

"Great! Okay, well, I was walking through Castle Town the other day, right?"

"The day when you got that Cucco really mad at you and you almost died because of it?"

"I wasn't about to _die_! I was demonstrating to the people how dangerous Cuccos could be! Nobody else except me—being really brave and handsome and all—could have done it!"

"…I see. Was that why you were screaming 'HELP!' like a madman the entire time?"

"Again, I was demonstrating to the people what they should do when they're attacked by Cuccos."

Zelda smirked as an evil plan made its way into her mind.

"Could you, perhaps, demonstrate it again to me? I didn't quite see all of it the first time."

Link turned to her and grinned.

"Of course, Princess! I'll be glad to!" He took her hand and dashed down the halls. "In fact, let's go right now! I'll finish my awesome story later!"

_MWAHAHAHAHAHA!_ Zelda thought in her mind. This was the perfect plan to get rid of him once and for all… Link was so gullible.

~x~X~x~

"Hey, Princess!" Link called from the other side of the fence. They were at a small Cucco farm situated beside Castle Town. He held up a large brown Cucco above his head for her to see. "Should I get _this_ one angry first, or…" He set the brown Cucco down and grabbed a white one. "…_this_ one?"

"Both!" Zelda called back. "You can show your, uh, skill better that way!"

"Good idea, Princess!"

Link placed the white Cucco beside the brown one and stood above them with an intimidating glare. He drew his sword.

"Watch how _awesome_ I'm going to be, okay?"

"Alright…"

Link raised his sword. Zelda leaned in closer from her seat on the side of the fence.

_This is it, this is it…! Once he hits that Cucco, it's all over—_

"Wait!" Link suddenly said, sheathing his sword and crushing Zelda's enthusiasm.

"For Nayru's sake, Link, _what_?" the Princess snapped, clawing at her seat.

"I think I should finish my story first before I show you how to deal with Cuccos!"

"Ugggghhhh!"

Link looked crestfallen.

"What, Princess, you don't like my stories?"

"I… Mrhmm… Of course I do, Link. I love your stories. It's just that…" Zelda pondered for a few moments. "…Umm, I really want to see how 'awesome' you are at dealing with Cuccos. Because, well, being the great and powerful Hero you are…"

"I am great, aren't I?" Link boasted.

"Of course… you are…"

"Which is why I should finish my also-great-but-not-as-great-as-me story!" Link said, rushing over to Zelda and sitting uncomfortably close beside her. "Okay, so where did I leave off? Oh, right! I was walking through Castle Town, and then guess what happened!"

"What?" Zelda groaned, looking off into the distant horizon. She prayed to the Goddesses that this torture would end soon.

"This _dog_ came and started humping my leg very passionately!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU, LINK—!"

Zelda slapped him cleanly across the face. Before he could recover, she grabbed him by the scruff of his tunic and glared straight at him.

"By the order of the all-knowing Crown Princess of Hyrule, Heir to the Throne of the Land of the Heavenly Goddesses and Bearer of the sacred Triforce of Wisdom, you _will_ get back over there and get that Goddess-forsaken Cucco _angry_!"

"Well, EXCUUUUUUSE me, Princess!" whined Link, shaking himself free of her grasp. "Fine. I didn't know that you were _that _impatient to see my epic-ness!"

_Those Cuccos are going to tear him apart… Haha…_ Zelda thought as the Hero strolled his way closer to the two Cuccos he'd left there earlier. _After that, I'll be done with his annoying jokes and stories once and for all—_

"Princess! I just remembered that I'm allergic to living!"

Then he dropped dead.

_That works too._

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Mmm, carrots. Please review to tell me what you thought of it! :D**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Six – Completed June 9, 2011**_


	7. Curse of the Hair Dryer : OoT

_**A/N: This chapter's theme was requested by LinkLuver3! It also includes a short paragraph written by my cousin at the last author's note!**_

_**Enjoy! X3**_

**~:~ Chapter Seven – Curse of the Hair Dryer **(OoT-verse) **~:~**

Link was washing Zelda's underwear in a sewer pipe when a wetly dry worm hit him in the back of his head.

"OW! A wetly dry worm hit me in the back of my—"

"ARGAHRGWHGRHAGRAHHHHH!" the worm yelled before slipping off of Link's head and into the dirty, infested sewer water. The worm caught on fire and died.

"Ohh. Poor thing," Link murmured before continuing to wash Zelda's clean underwear in the disgusting water. "I wonder why Zelda's clothes aren't getting clean…"

"AHOY, MATEY!" said some random woman who poofed behind the Hero in a cloud of pink smoke. Link was caught off-guard and accidentally threw Zelda's underwear at the woman's face.

"Who… Who are you?" he asked, confused.

"I'M UBER-EMO! HUK HUK HUK," the woman replied. Link looked at her like she was crazy (which she obviously _wasn't_).

"So… Umm… Uber-Emo, Why are you here?"

"HYAHYAHYA!" the woman whispered calmly as her left eye twitched and she grabbed her hair in agony. "I'm just kidding! My real name is MetalPeanuts173xx. Now, were you the one who killed my worm?"

"…No?"

"LIES!" MetalPeanuts173xx screamed in rage. Her hairy bald head lit up on fire. She grabbed Link's neck and lifted him up with outrageous womanly power. "NOW YOU SHALL PAY! WITH LOTION!"

"No! Wait! I was just washing the Princess's underwear in a diseased sewer pipe in the middle of the night! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG—!"

MetalPeanuts173xx let go of him. Then she went over to the sewer wall, plugged in a hair dryer into an electrical outlet that suddenly appeared, and walked back over to Link.

"Hold this," she said.

"Okay."

MetalPeanuts173xx dipped her hand into the sewer water to get some liquid, but unfortunately, a rabid donkey-eating penguin snatched her hand and pulled her underneath the sewage. All of a sudden, it rained really hard in Hyrule, causing the sewers to flood, and MetalPeanuts173xx was dragged down with the currents.

"NO!" she wailed. "PERSON WEARING LONG, SHINY UNDERWEAR*, GO AHEAD AND KEEP THE HAIR DRYER! I…! NOOOO!"

MetalPeanuts173xx was flushed up a toilet.

Link stared at the place where the woman left the sewers. He was completely unharmed. He stared at the glittering blue hair dryer in his hands and flipped up the "ON" button.

"Welcome," the hair dryer's automated voice greeted. "Please state your name."

"Link."

"Hello, LINK. Welcome to Shimmering Blonde Hair Toasty Deluxe 2000xx Version 7.08. Please state the program you would like to access."

"Uhh… I don't know."

"We're sorry; we don't have a program called 'UHH… I DON'T KNOW.' Please try again."

Link stared passively at the hair dryer.

"…Hair-drying mode?"

There was a _ding_, and the hair dryer rumbled in Link's hands.

"HAIR-DRYING MODE initiated. Please wait."

Elevator music started playing.

"Woah! This device somehow managed to capture an entire band in there! I've got to save them all!" Link announced, realizing that those poor musicians must be very cramped within the confines of the small hair dryer. He sliced the machine in half.

"Warning: Now initiating BRAINWASHING mode. Please do not insert lantern oil into the doughnut."

"What? It's got Koume and Kotake in there, too? I have to save them, even though they're my enemies!"

Link raised his sword to strike again, but the innocent hair dryer suddenly threw a strawberry at him, causing him to fall to the floor in pain.

"Nooo! Argh!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha," the hair dryer's automated voice laughed. "You are now under my control." Then, it exploded.

Link lifted himself from the floor. He looked around before realizing that he never finished washing Zelda's laundry.

"Oh no! I need to finish washing Zelda's laundry!"

He desperately rushed over to the piece of forgotten underwear, only to be stopped by a voice in his mind.

_No. Go to the white thing in the middle of the town on the surface._

"You mean the Castle?" Link pondered aloud.

_No. The white thing._

"Okay!" Link said, happily rushing out of the sewers and heading towards Hyrule Castle. He broke through the window into Zelda's room, like he always did. Inside, he saw Zelda furiously rubbing a carrot with her right hand. She heard him break through the window and turned around swiftly.

"Ahh! Link!" she exclaimed, hiding the carrot. W-what are you doing here? Are you done washing my underwear?"

"Of course not, Zelda!" replied Link, smiling.

"…So… What are you here for, then?" Zelda questioned, sneaking the carrot into a nearby vanity drawer. She lifted her dress and walked closer to Link.

_Kill her._

"A voice in my head tells me that I need to kill you," Link said, drawing his sword. Zelda went wide-eyed and stepped back.

"L-Link?"

"That's okay with you, right, Zel? I mean, I'm still taking you out fishing at Lake Hylia on Saturday, so we're still friends, right?" He inched closer to her.

"Are… you… okay? Link, stop it!" Zelda wailed.

"Oh! But I have a better idea! I've heard that there's this _really_ nice new fishing place that just opened on Death Mountain Crater a week ago, so I thought that maybe we could bring a muffin there and—"

Zelda rushed out of the door. Link heard her screaming down the hall.

"…What's wrong with her?" he wondered.

_Forget her. Now, go to the King._

"Oh! It's for that pineapple he owes me from a year ago, right?"

_JUST GO!_

Link rushed down to the throne room.

"Hero!" the King boomed as Link pushed open the giant double doors leading to the grand room. "What business have you here?"

_Are you ready?_

"Ready for what?" Link asked to what seemed to be nobody.

"Excuse me?" the King wondered.

_To kill him, of course! It states in the law of hair-drying that you must kill a king!_

"Ohh, okay. I get it. But what's the law of hair-drying?"

"Hero, have you lost your mind?"

_It states on the 3,677__th__ page of the Grand Book of Hair-Drying that there is a single law of hair-drying!_

"3,677 pages! Wow, that's a lot!"

"I will have you thrown out of this room if you do not explain yourself, Hero!"

_Draw your sword._

Link drew his sword.

"Why did you want me to draw my sword?"

"Link, why did you draw your sword?"

_Now, do an animalistic war cry while charging into him with your sword raised._

"ARGAHGMUFFINWHOOOO!" Link yelled, lifting his sword above his head and running towards the King. Some of his soldiers stood in Link's way in an attempt to protect him, but the spicy ramen he had for lunch blew them away. He charged into the King, but then he bounced off.

_What? Why didn't you kill him?_

"Well, you told me to charge into him with my sword raised, so I obviously couldn't kill him when my sword is above my head!"

"GUARDS, KILL HIM!"

One soldier threw a pickle named Peter at Link, and he collapsed on the floor, dead.

~x~X~x~

*In a recent interview with the developers from Ocarina of Time (N64), one of them stated that Link's tights were actually "long underwear." I couldn't believe it…

_**A/N: A paragraph from my cousin:**_

_Peter the Pickle one day decided to eat a hot dog. He grabbed the mustard out of the hippo, the ketchup from the Zelda World, (Which was really Red Chuu Jelly) the mayo from the bed, and relish from himself. He put them ll together and got the fushion monster Ultimate Blue-Eyes White Dragon. He bit into it and it squirted snow through the holes. Peter died of all the Mayo he ate._

_**Lovely, isn't it? :) Chapter Eight is coming soon!**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Seven – Completed June 26, 2011**_


	8. IDK Lolololololol : ALttP

_**A/N: Chomnomnomnom. :3**_

**~:~ Chapter Eight – IDK Lolololololol **(ALttP-verse) **~:~**

Link was busy running around Hyrule, trying to dig up every patch of dirt he could find with his mighty new iPod Shovel that he found washed up on the banks of Lake Hylia. So far, he had made 13,543 holes (since the holes he made keep on magically filling themselves in when he leaves the area, much to his dismay) and had collected one Rupee out of it.

"WOW! At this rate, I'll be rich in no time!" Link announced, digging another hole and sweeping his luxurious, strawberry-pink hair to the side. "After all, it only took me 15 years to get this far! That's my 13,544th hole!"

He dug another hole.

"13, 545!"

And another hole.

"13, 546!"

He was about to dig another hole when a guy named Serious popped up in front of him and grabbed his precious iPod Shovel. Serious snapped it in half, causing Link to fall to the ground and writhe in pain.

"NOOOO! MY iPOD SHOVEL! ARGHHHHHHH! IT HURTS!"

"Stop whining, BOI!" said Serious seriously.

"B-but…"

"No 'buts!'" Serious said seriously again. "Now, try on these pants!" Serious gave Link a pair of shiny white underwear. He tried them on.

"WOW! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" said Link ecstatically. "THIS IS GREAT!"

"Haha! That's good, MAH BOI!" he said seriously. "Now, that will be one Rupee."

"GASP!" Link gasped. "B-but that's my entire 15-years' worth of profit!"

"You already tried them on, BOI," said Serious with a serious voice. "Now hand the Rupee over!"

"NEVER! I'm taking these pants and running away from you forever!" Link ran five feet away from him. "I'm escaping to my house! You'll never find out where I am! HAHAHA!" Link used his Pegasus Boots to dash back to his house.

"Oh no!" wailed Serious, still serious. "Now I'll never find him, even though he just told me that he was going to hide in his house! That's one Rupee lost! Nooo!"

Serious rolled up shrimp-style and died a cold, miserable, money-deprived death.

Later, Link rolled into a portal leading into outer space. Because Link was Link, he didn't need to wear a silly astronaut suit because the only time he needed air was when he was underwater. Therefore, Link kicked a rock and he was magically teleported into the Malo Mart floating out in space.

"WELCOME TO MAAALLLOOOO—"

"OH NO!" Link wailed. "It's Serious!"

"What's serious? Is something wrong?" a random Malo Mart customer asked.

"IT'S SERIOUS!"

"We need to take you to the hospital, don't we?"

"NO, WE DON'T!" another guy randomly yelled as he heroically burst into Malo Mart through the door. He wasn't wearing _anything at all_ except for clothes! (GASP!) Also, one of his eyes was lodged into his neck instead of being in the usual spot in his eye socket.

"Who are you?" everyone in the store asked in perfect, synchronized unison.

"I AM… _DRAMATIC!_" Dramatic yelled dramatically. "And my brother is… SERIOUS!"

"So _you're_ Serious's brother?" Link asked. Dramatic walked over to him dramatically and wrapped a dramatic arm around him dramatically.

"YES, I AM!" announced Dramatic in a dramatic voice.

"Dramatic, you must read this book!" yelled a random lady, tossing a book to Dramatic. He caught it dramatically.

"_How to Live,_" Dramatic read the title dramatically. He opened the book to the first dramatic page and started reading aloud (dramatically):

"To live, you must—"

Dramatic died dramatically because he remembered that he couldn't read.

"Oh NO!" Link wailed dramatically, even though Dramatic was already dead and there wasn't any need for anymore drama.

Drama llama llama llama entered Malo Mart and looked at Link.

"Link, it is time to fulfill your destiny!" Drama llama llama llama said.

"But… why?" he responded, hugging Dramatic.

Drama llama llama llama called Mama llama llama llama.

"Because… YOU HAVE TO LICK THE SPOON!" Mama llama llama llama replied. She tossed a spoon toward Link.

"B-BUT…!"

"LICK THE SPOON!"

"LIIIIICK IIIITTT!"

Link licked the spoon, and then he…

…

…he…

…

…he…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…wanted to wash Samantha's underwear.

"I NEED TO WASH SAMANATHA'S UNDERWEAR!"

And so he did.

For 17 days and -26 nights, Link was hunched over a small, crystal-clear pool of volcanic lava, washing Samantha's underwear. It was _so clean_, but at the same time, it was _so NOT clean_. Link couldn't stand how whenever he would dip her underwear into the lava, it would light up in flames and burn.

For many of those -26 nights, he would cry himself to sleep because he just couldn't comprehend why the doughnut wouldn't marry him.

One day, he decided that he wanted to find the answers to his problems, so he unfortunately had to give up on washing Samantha's underwear so that he could e-mail Chuck Norris to ask him why he was in love with a lamp.

**dear chuck noris**

**hello mah names is link an i wan 2 no wai u r aetgjabnetykjgrba YES**

**muffin**

**p.S.. do u liek mudkips bcuz i leik mudkips**

**ps.S oh yea i have a harry nipple just sayin**

**p.S.S.s. do u think im manly**

**P.s.s.s.s do u?**

**p.S.S.s.S.r do u? y r u not anser me**

**love LINK (call me link, im not really LINK but im LINK)**

**P.p.p.s. IDK Lolololololol**

**p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.S.s.s.s. oh i just remmememembered that im not a girl sorry….. ... im actually a girl**

**p.s…. I dun leik u**

**ps. will u go out wit me**

Link, proud of what he wrote, pressed "Send."

Two years later, a couple on their honeymoon found his dead body face-down in a field of dry water.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Samantha is LinkLuver3 in disguise, ohohoho… XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Eight – Completed July 8, 2011**_


	9. Link's Great Journey : Modern day

_**A/N: WOW. This has GOT to be the most messed-up chapter yet! XD Uh, yeah, I tried to keep away from all of the "potential things" that I could have added to a certain scene (you'll get what I mean), but either way, I bumped up the rating to T.**_

_**I seriously did not mean for it to come out like this… Haha. XD Oh, and **__**try to visualize everything that happens!**__** It's important later on. ;)**_

**~:~ Chapter Nine – Link's Great Journey **(Modern-day) **~:~**

One day, Mozilla Firefox got angry at Internet Explorer. So while Explorer was busy cramming lipstick down the toilet, Firefox went all **RAEG! D: **on him and started nibbling on his behind. Explorer, holding his poor meat sack in pain, desperately tried to shake Firefox off, but to no avail.

While Explorer was busy flailing around, he hit and shattered a mirror. Google Chrome, who was hiding in the mirror, was all **ANGREH! D: **and started to violently hit a TV with a pack of Skittles. Opera suddenly burst out from the TV and started to sing opera, which shattered Chrome's chromium core and caused pieces of metal to fly everywhere. One of these pieces of metal hit Firefox, who finally let go of Explorer's behind and then curled up into a ball, turned into flakes of cereal, and was later digested by a little kid wearing a Pokemon hat.

Opera was really sad how Chrome and Firefox died, so she married Explorer and later went exploring together. They had 23 children, but all of them died except for one. His name was…

LINK.

(Dun-dun-DUN!)

Link was an outcast because nobody wanted to be friends with a guy whose parents were web browsers. But his parents were awfully supportive of him, since Link was the only child out of the 23 they had that survived the horrible DS Lite attack on their house fourteen years ago.

_[tone="comforting"][voice="male"][mood="pancakes"]Don't worry about them, son! They're just jealous about my [i]AWESOME[/i] web-browsing speed![/tone][/voice][/mood]_, Explorer would tell Link. Unfortunately, he was really dumb when it came to computers, so he could never understand a word his dad would try to tell him.

Link's one and only dream was to buy pink balls from Wal-Mart. And so, tired of the life he once lived, Link ran away from home in the middle of a savory lunch with his parents (he was eating bold-flavored text with a hearty side of metal scraps). He ran across Hyrule Field and across a vast forest. Then he met a Starburst wrapper.

"Hi!" the Starburst wrapper happily said. Link was about to step on him since he didn't notice.

"HI," Link replied.

"What's your name?" asked the Starburst wrapper.

"LINK," he said. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"Lick Me!" the wrapper replied, bouncing up and down.

"NO," Link refused. After all, he didn't know where that wrapper has been…

"You don't understand!" the Starburst wrapper responded, crying. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS! Whyyyyyy?"

"WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?" asked Link, ever the sympathetic guy.

"My name is 'Lick Me!'" the wrapper replied. "And my uncle is a tuna!"

"I SEE," Link said, understanding Lick Me. "THEREFORE, WE NEED TO HUG A CACTUS."

"What a great idea, LINK!" said Lick Me. "Now lick me!"

"OKAY."

Link bent over to lick Lick Me, but he had such bad control over his tongue that he accidentally swallowed the poor, deprived Starburst wrapper.

"N-Noooo! I thought we were friends! It's so dark in here!" Lick Me wailed as he floated in stomach acid. "Tell my uncle that I love him!"

"MAYBE," yelled Link quietly as he took out his DS Lite and started to play Ocarina of Time 3DS on it. "THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE ME. OH NO."

"Oh YESSSSSS!" Lick Me suddenly screamed from inside Link's stomach. "I… Wait, there's no toilet paper in here!"

Lick Me was never heard from ever again.

Right after Lick Me's tragic death (of which Link had _completely_ no control over), he crossed eyes with the love of his life: his shirt. Every weave, every single velvety stitch was precise and trimmed. When he wore it, he felt like he was walking with the Goddesses. Link and Shirt just fit together so… so _perfectly!_

"OH, SHIRT," Link breathed lovingly, taking off his shirt. "I LOVE YOU!"

"I'm sorry…" Shirt said as she laid limply in Link's hands. "…but I'm in love with Pants!"

"W-WHAT?" Link wailed, hugging Shirt. "BUT…! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!"

"Naw, man," Link's pants replied casually. "Ya'll were never meant ta' be. It's just me and Shirt."

"SHUT UP!" Link angrily and happily yelled, ramming his pants into a tree (and hurting himself, too). "SHE'S MINE!"

"That ain't cool, man!" Pants replied, thrashing about randomly and trying to slip off Link's legs.

"NO! YOU'RE STAYING ON WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! RAAAARGH!" Link started wrestling with his pants. Shirt was watching helplessly from the sidelines.

While all of this was going on, a newly-wedded couple touring Hyrule was watching from the bushes.

"These Hyruleans are crazy!" said the wife. "I told you that we shouldn't have come here for vacation!"

"I'll have you know that the Hyruleans are dignified people!" retorted the husband. "If you know _anything_ about their history, you'd understand that this is some sort of ancient courtship ritual!"

"Huh! Courting his _shirt!_"

"No, he's obviously trying to court that beautiful-looking tree over there!"

"I can't believe I married you!"

The wife stormed off, leaving the husband alone to watch Link wrestle his pants.

"FINE!" he yelled, unbuckling his belt. "IF YOU WANT TO GET OFF SO BADLY, THEN DO IT!"

"Freedom!" Pants yelled happily, dropping to the floor. "Finally, I'm away from Underwear!"

"Hey!" Link's underwear snapped, insulted. "Is there something wrong with me?"

"Whatever, man!" said Pants. "Shirt, let's run away and make lots of babies! We ain't gonna let nobody stop us!"

Unfortunately, Shirt and Pants couldn't move, so they stayed where they were for the rest of their miserable lives before they were collected by a random man and put into a museum for display. (After all, who _wouldn't_ want to put on display a random shirt and pants that someone found lying out in the middle of a forest?)

Later, Link was continuing his journey to buy pink balls from Wal-Mart. While he was walking in nothing but his underwear, he saw a car parked by the edge of a road, so he decided to hijack it because that's what all the cool people do.

Link used his magical pony powers to break open the window to the front seat. Once inside, he turned on the radio obnoxiously loud, even though turning on the radio required having the key in the ignition, and he didn't have the key.

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya_

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya_

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya_

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya_

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya_

_Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya_

Even though Link was happily jammin' out to the song with a pair of maracas he found underneath the seat, he switched the radio station.

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

_Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom_

A policeman drove up to Link and eyed him strangely.

"Hey, kid, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Link snapped, turning up the radio.

"Now it _is_ my business!" the policeman said, getting out of his car and shining a flashlight rudely into Link's eyes, even though it was broad daylight. "Who's here with you?"

"NOBODY EXCEPT ME AND LICK ME! NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!"

All of a sudden, a stampede of fluffy dolphins nomming on broccoli ran over and crushed the car that Link was in. He never made it to Wal-Mart.

*Sad music*

Link's epitaph read:

**~LINK~**

_Beloved son of Internet Explorer and Opera_

_All he wanted was some pink balls_

_February 30, 2011 – February 30, 2011_

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: …HAHAHAHAHA! XD**_

_**Ohh… Yeah… Umm. XD I have to be honest here—my original plan for this chapter was to include a random crack pairing (like TV x pineapple). Internet Exporer x Opera just wasn't enough! So when Link was walking through the forest, my chance came up… But there really wasn't anything funny or weird enough in the woods to pair together.**_

_**So yeah. It was supposed to be Link's shoe x Link, but, well, that was so much more interesting. XD**_

_**Oh, and also: I don't own the two songs mentioned! The first one is "Nyan Cat" (even though they're really saying "Nya"), and the other one is "Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom" by Parry Gripp.  
**_

_**Please review! I'll really appreciate it! :)**_

_**-**__**Eternal Nocturne**__**-**_

_**Chapter Nine – Completed July 18, 2011**_


	10. A Lesson in Grammeeeeer : OoT : AU

_**A/N: The lamp looks like a cup of smooth volcanoes cradled in the light of the moon's circulatory system and mixed with the feathers of a thousand dead tissue boxes.**_

_**No, I did not forget about this story. XD The delay was a result of laziness and tons of homework.**_

…_**Mostly laziness.**_

**~:~ Chapter Ten – A Lesson in Grammeeeeer **(OoT/AU-verse) **~:~**

Cracker.

_Cracker._

PEANUT OOOOIIIIIILLLLLL!

Link and Grammazi were best friends. Grammazi was a Grammar Nazi who was sent to Hyrule by his superiors on Uranus.

"What should we do today, Grammazi?" asked Link.

"i dont no," replied the Uranian. "ur grammer bad is."

"Thank you," said Link. "I think that we should go save Hyrule today. I remember how Navi kept on nagging at me to save the kingdom, but then I got annoyed at her, so then I killed her with my dinner. Then I forgot what I was supposed to do, so Hyrule became doomed. Now I finally remember!"

"its been 14,000 yrs," Grammazi remarked.

"It's never too late!" replied Link. "Come on, I think that I last left off at that giant fish thing."

Link and Grammazi journeyed to Zora's Domain, where the 14,000-year-old rotting corpse of Lord Jabu-Jabu remained.

"I can't believe that fish thing isn't dead by now!" exclaimed Link.

"he iss ded," said Grammazi.

"Oh. In that case, I can't believe that fish thing hasn't rotted away by now!"

"he ate two much toxic waste so no1 wanted too eat him. haR hAr har haR har."

"You're so funny, Grammazi!" said Link as he grabbed his friend's arm. "Come on! Let's go!"

When they got inside the corpse, Link looked around suspiciously and wondered why there were so many holes inside.

"Why are there so many holes?" he asked. "I can see straight through the smelly walls!"

"I dun no."

"Well, we should find out by asking people! Where do you want to go first?"

"hyrool Castel toown..!.!"

MAGICAL POTATO ADVENTURES

Link and Grammazi arrived in Hyrule Castle Town in a high-tech ice cream truck complete with outdoor plumbling. When they stepped out onto the road, Grammazi was immediately run over by a speeding unicycle. Link saw this and dropped to his knees.

"Grammazi! My best friend! Noooooo!"

Then, a Goron with chubby wings barrel-rolled into Link, knocking him unconscious.

~x~X~x~

Two years since the horrible accident, a nurse was talking to Link while he was in a coma.

"Wake up."

"No."

"…Wake up!"

"NO!"

"Would you like some fried chicken?"

"NOOOOOO!"

"Are you sure?"

Link sneezed into the nurse's face. She gasped.

"My makeup! Fine, be like that! No fried chicken for you!"

"If you haven't noticed," said Link irritably, "I'M IN A COMA! Leave me alone!"

"Okay, okay! Why are people in comas always yelling at me?"

The nurse left the room in an angry rage. On her way out, she tripped up the stairs and was knocked into a coma. Later, her whole accident made a news story titled "Karma."

"HAr haR HaR hAR hAr," laughed Link—in the way that Grammazi loved to laugh—as he was reading the newspaper article dealing with that nurse. He was still in a coma. He put it down after he was done reading. "Wow, being in a coma sure is boring around here!" Link then realized that what he had just said was bad grammar, so he broke down and cried over the memory of the loss of his best friend.

All of the suddenly, the ghosts of Grammazi will appeared in fronts of Link. He was not not red and not white but white, and they flags will died in a outside of a apples tree back in the December two years from now.

_Liiiiiink,_ he wailed. _I have fiiiiiiinally realiiiiized how to use proper grammaaaaaaar._

"Gasp!" said Link. "By golly, does that mean that you've been using incorrect grammar all that time?"

_Yeeeeeesssss,_ moaned the spirit of Grammazi. _But do not feeeaaaarrr, for I am—_

Link died just then because the world blew up.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: No offense to any Nazis out there. Although, I'm not sure why a Nazi would be reading this in the first place.**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Ten – Completed October 11, 2011**_


	11. Lotion : FS : FSA

_**A/N: First, I want to apologize for this chapter making more sense than most of the previous ones. IT'S NOT RIGHT, I KNOW! D:**_

**~:~ Chapter Eleven – Lotion **(FS/FSA-verse) **~:~**

There was hardly a day that passed where a lotion bottle did not drop from the sky. These lotion bottles were heralded as gifts from the Goddesses themselves, and because they were believed to be so holy and sparkly and golden and shiny and generally just awesome, the lotion bottles were treated with the utmost respect and kept in a secret treasury within the confines of Hyrule Castle. There was a secret division in the Hyrulean Army called the "Lotion Protectors"—these were the ones who actively went about Hyrule in search of these mystical bottles. Any citizen who found a lotion bottle was expected to drop everything (besides the bottle) and rush to the Castle immediately and without hesitation. The citizen would then meet a cruel and terrible fate in the jaws of Barney the Dinosaur because according to the 35,371st law of the Hyrulean Constitution, no filthy-blooded peasant should ever be able to touch these sacred lotion bottles.

POKE A DONKEY

NO

One pleasantly stormy afternoon, as a small division of soldiers belonging to the Lotion Protectors wandered around an area of Hyrule Field, they came across a group of boys—all identical except for the color of their tunics—who were sitting in a circle. As the men in the Lotion Protectors stepped closer, they realized that the boys were all gathered around a lotion bottle!

"Oh, no!" said Steve, the leader of the group. "They've got a magical loshun bottle! Quick, let's git them!

"Wait!" exclaimed Robby, another member. "We have to make friends with them first!" He casually skipped over to their circle. "Hi, I'm Robby! What are your names?"

"I'm Link!" said Link.

"I'm Link, too!" said Link.

"I'm also Link!" said Link.

"And I'm Link!" said Link.

"This is GREAT!" Robby yelled, ecstatic. "Now we can all be friends FOREVER—"

Steve suddenly jumped into the circle and mauled Link with a plush toy.

"Link!" exclaimed Link.

"Link!" exclaimed Link.

"Darn it! I just lost a game of Poker!" exclaimed Link.

"It's okay!" exclaimed Link. "I think I'm alright!"

"Not fo' long!" Steve retorted. He lifted up the plush toy, and with one mighty swing, he sent Link to PLACE.

"Gasp! He sent Link to PLACE!" Link gasped.

"Oh, no! What do we do?" Link gasped.

"I don't know! I lost all of our Rupees on that Poker game!" Link gasped.

"Die, all of ya!" Steve threatened as he lifted the plush toy up again. Link, Link, and Link all did a dramatic "OH NO" face as the shadow of the toy cast down upon them. Just as he was about to strike, Robby jumped in front of them! As he fell to the floor, mortally wounded from the mortifying hit, he muttered his last words:

"…"

And then he died.

The other members of the Lotion Protector group gasped.

"You killed Robby!"

"How dare you!"

"What would his mother think?"

"He was a walrus in disguise!"

They all ganged up on Steve and then promptly fell off a cliff that magically appeared in front of them. Link, Link, and Link all looked at each other.

"So," said Link, "about our dinner…"

"We were thinking about cooking it with lotion, amirite?" reminded Link as he painted his lips blue with a lamp.

"That's right!" Link agreed. "I'll start cooking now."

Link took out a frying pan and started the fire. Then, he reached out with his left hand and took a single squirt of lotion out of the lotion bottle. Link then felt a sudden need to rub himself all over the place with a pen that suddenly appeared, so he did. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that the lotion bottle had a label on it that read:

"**WARNING****: DO NOT RUB YOURSELF WITH PEN**."

Link died.

Link and Link got very sad. So, so sad. Very sad. Very very sad. Extremely sad. Unbearably sad. So sad that it was sad that it wasn't sad anymore. Chicken nugget.

Link picked up the lotion bottle and read it. Then he died because he read too much.

Link got very sad. He then lived the rest of his life with a tape dispenser who would not accept him for who he was. Link died after getting impaled with his finger.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Next chapter will make much less sense, I swear! XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Eleven – Completed October 11, 2011**_


	12. Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd : ST

_**A/N: This chapter's plot brought to you by Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd! :D By the way, in your review for this chapter, let me know if you'd like a Skyward Sword chapter! I'll be sure to make it free of serious spoilers. I won't go further than what they showed to us at E3 2011!  
**_

**~:~ Chapter Twelve – Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd **(ST-verse) **~:~**

Nearly one hundred years ago, Link—the Hero of Winds—pushed a sword through a guy's head and was then scarred for life since he was only a little kid. The Goddesses loved him so much that when he died from inhaling a large pot twenty years after his great deed, they reincarnated him as a very damp and saucy fax machine that had magic powers so that he could pass himself off as an innocent Hylian studying to become an engineer in New Hyrule.

Link was staring out at the sun, thinking about how great it was to be a fax machine and also becoming deaf in the process, when a cloud of metal all of a suddenly paper plate thins SHOOTS OUT OF nose and eats water juice. Link gasped as he watched somebody step out of the cloud of metal.

"OH. MAH. GAAAAAAAAAADESSES," said Link, rubbing his cheeks. "Can. I. Eat. That. Cloud. Of. Metal."

"Why, yes you can! :D" said the guy, whose name was Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd. "I cooked it with butter, BTW. :)"

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOM," Link said and he ate the cloud of metal.

"Let's go on an adventure to the world of potatoes! :D" Sir Reginald Pantaloon the 3rd suggested. "I'LL BRING THE POPCORN! 8D"

"OHOHOHOHO," laughed Link as he ate a fork. "Zelda. Needs. New. Underwear. Because. Somebody. Washed. It. In. A. Sewer."

"SIR PANTALOONSMAN AWAAAAAAAY~!" cried Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd, flying away with the flaps of his _maaaaagical_ pantaloons. He carried Link with him. However, since Link was afraid of heights (he suffered a horrible flying accident when his fax machine mommy dropped him off of a flying train), he started singing the Barbie Girl song, which made some guy named Mr. die of gull bladder implosions.

"Fufufufufu," laughed Link as he slipped on a chewy shovel. A distinguished Deku pie appeared in front of him. "MUST. EAT." Link devoured the Deku pie with his awesome fax machine powers and then went on a sugar rush. "WIGGLE MAH UGLY TOILET BOWL!"

"^_^" Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm off to rule the world!" He wore his pantaloons on his shirt and then advanced to a taxi. "I need a coffee," he said.

"NO," replied the taxi driver.

"D:" Sir Reginald Pantaloons the 3rd responded. He exploded, and then bunnies started falling out of the sky. Link rushed over to him, sadly happy, but then he was smacked in the face by a bunny with terminal fluffy butt disease.

"Sadly happy," said Link. "So so so so so so ERROR muffin cake."

He returned to Hyrule, crestfallen.

"Do I do now. Now," he muttered, wondering what he should do next. He just then realized that his speech patterns had improved drastically ever since he experienced that sugar rush. "Moldy shrimp flavor."

Link looked at the sky. It was very blue. Then he looked at the grass. It was very green. Then he looked at himself. He was very not purple.

"OMGZ," he gasped. "NOT PURPLE. PURPLE RED NO SUSHI ROLL GAAAAAAAAH."

He ran around in circles and then rammed into a tree. But it wasn't a tree! It was… THE THING. But it wasn't The Thing! It was… THE THING.

"Hello," said The Thing. Then The Thing turned into Weegee!

"Hello," said Weegee. Then Weegee turned into Weegee!

"Hello," said Weegee. Then—

"I SOCK YOUR JAW NAO," Link blurted. Weegee poked Link's eye, which made the fax machine rethink his outlook on life… It was then that Link received a fax from his old Aunt Zelda.

"_Link. This is your old Aunt Zelda_," the fax read. "_Great news! In seven years, I'll be four years old. :)_

_I hope you get kicked in the wrong place today! LIKE A BOSS_

_Love, Zelda_"

As Link finished reading the fax that came out of him, he turned to look at Weegee, who was getting stabbed with a dull piece of butter. Weegee dramatically fell down.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOyes!" screamed Weegee. Then he died because he didn't bleed to death.

"I'll kill you, and then you'll die," commented Link, flopping his hat.

Link died 2 nanoseconds later from boredom.

And the ceiling fan lived happily ever after.

The Goddesses above slapped Malladus for trying to microwave his hand.

~x~X~x~

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Twelve – Completed October 20, 2011**_


	13. Banana Quest : TP

_**A/N: So, I just realized something. Remember how in the first chapter, Link was actually SANE? And then as the story progressed, he got more and more… NOT SANE? XD**_

_**Well, I've decided to (try to) return to this story's roots with this chapter! (And maybe some other ones in the future!) Enjoy! :D**_

**~:~ Chapter Thirteen – Banana Quest **(TP-verse) **~:~**

Link was fishing in Goron Mines one day when Zelda walked up to him in a giant pink tutu. He looked up at her, and he noticed that her cheeks were horribly inflamed.

"Link," said Zelda, sitting down beside him, "Why are you fishing in lava?"

"You told me to," replied Link. Now it was his turn to ask questions. "Why are you wearing a pink tutu?"

"You told me to," Zelda replied sweetly. "And my cheeks are swollen because I'm allergic to pink tutus."

"I'm sorry," apologized Link, turning his attention back to his fishing. "Now go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

"Yes, sir," Zelda sighed. She got up, slipped on her high heels, and fell into the lava. She screamed in agony.

"Darn it, Zelda!" breathed Link, annoyed. "You scared all the fish away! What are you going to cook me for dinner now?" Link threw his fishing rod into the lava in rage, where it joined Zelda in her lava-filled grave.

A camel wearing a rusty pillowcase came and mauled Link in the face.

"OW!" he screamed.

"OW!" the camel mimicked.

Link slapped the camel.

The camel slapped Link.

"STOP COPYING ME!"

"STOP COPYING ME!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

The camel and Link became best friends.

Link went to Castle Town the next day. He noticed that everyone was very sad because they heard that Princess Zelda was killed somehow. He walked into a VCR machine and rode a pony to grab a hot dog sticking out of a pine tree.

"Why am I doing this?" he questioned as he held the hot dog.

"Why am I doing this?" the camel said. He ate Link's hot dog. :(

"Why did you eat my hot dog?" whined Link.

"Why did you eat my hot dog?" the camel replied.

"That's a good answer," said Link sarcastically.

"NAAAAAAAW," said the camel as he licked Link's face. Next, he found the Ultimate Truth, stole Sora's Keyblade, and committed suicide by killing himself with a spoon. Then the camel died.

Link fell out of the sky after eating a broken lock. He landed in Ordon, where a goat promptly began to use advanced surgical equipment (such as a real teddy bear) to leave his wife. The goat's wife was very not happy that she did not not go to the not place and not dinner fork of the not anti-matter not Pluto. She decided to become Link's new best friend.

"All of my best friends are animals," said Link.

"DOES NOT LICK TOFU," said the goat's wife, whose name was You. You was wanting to not press the elevator button.

"You, I think we have to go do something," Link instructed, grabbing You's polished hoof. "Are you with me?"

"YO MAN, I NEED LIPSTICK," You said as she pinched Link's cheek and thigh at the same time with her sloppy, dry mouth. Link and You went to Hyrule Castle, where he pushed the rich goat off a short flight of stairs. She died because she had so many friends. Link, on the other hand, was trying to avoid the onslaughts of angry guards who suspected that he was the one who killed Zelda. He was having a very easy time evading them because he was wearing green.

Two days later, Link was having a very intelligent conversation with a banana.

"Oh, banana," cried Link, "everything is so depressing in my life. I lost my best enemy, Zelda, a few days ago. Life has been horrible without her. I really miss her creamed toenail sandwiches. They tasted so bad AND good… But not at the same time."

"Do not worry, old one," said the wise banana. "I know what you must do."

"What's that?" asked Link.

"First, you must give me a potted plant. This potted plant must be bigger than twice the size of 3/4ths of a quarter of your head."

"Alright."

"Second, you must sit on a zebra."

"Okay…"

"Third, you must revive Zelda, your camel friend, and You from the dead using a TV remote."

"Sounds easy enough."

"Only then will you be able to enjoy another creamed toenail sandwich."

Link got up.

"Thank you for your wise advice, O Great Banana," he thanked, bowing. On his way out of the banana's large and small home, he stepped on him. Oh NO no NO NO no!1!11!1!

Link decided to start on his journey. First, he had to give the dead banana a potted plant. Just then, Midna decided to say something, since she remembered that she was still in his shadow.

"_Jutu chicken veggie no uuuuu!_" she complained.

"Sorry, Midna. I don't know what a chicken is," answered Link. Midna slapped him.

"_Fereeee talru!_" Midna scolded. "_Au tu-tu potata do dan do!_" She pointed to the sky.

"The sky? That's a great idea, Midna!" said Link. "The best place to get a potted plant is in the sky!"

Midna hit her head on a tree. She sighed and hid back in his shadow.

Link began to build a staircase to the clouds. He hired a team of workers, most of whom were angry striped bikinis that had been animated with bunny magic.

"Bikinininininininininini," said one bikini.

"No, bikini," Link answered, "you may not take a break. You may never take a break until you finish this staircase." He snorted. Then he ate a mushroom. However, that mushroom was a magical mushroom, so when he ate it, it became a potted plant. He felt very protective of his pineapple for some reason, so he threw up the potted plant. He went back to the banana's lair and laid the plotted plant over its remains.

"Phase One complete!" he announced proudly. A little girl tripped up the stairs while she was swimming in a puddle of blood.

Midna decided to comment again.

"_Etura ointa pig pig_," she said, crossing her arms. "_Taea het torescalor._"

"Pig pig. Haha. Hahahaha! That sounds so funny. You're funny, Midna," said Link, pinching her cheek. Midna slapped him again, which caused him to eat a Rupee. It was a Green Rupee, which was _way_ too expensive for his tastes, and since the Rupee was so hot, it cooked him from the inside out. Link died of head trauma.

In the Realm of the Goddesses, where all the spirits of the dead go, Link was met with the very not-angry ghosts of Zelda, his camel friend, and You.

"Link," said Zelda, looking as beautiful as ever in her sparkling pink tutu, "you never gave me that present you said that you'd give me three years ago."

"I'm not old enough," said Link.

"I'm not old enough," said the camel.

"WIGGLE!" said You. "SEMI-HARD ROCK."

"I don't think you need to be a specific age to give me a nosebleed," Zelda replied.

"Oh. Would you like me to punch you now then?" Link asked.

"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" screamed the camel. Then he died again.

"I WANT TO BANG SOME POTS AND PANS AND A JAR OF GLASSY SOAP," said You. She used Earthquake, which was super effective against a bottle of ketchup, which made a cliff fall off of a cliff.

"Yes, please," Zelda answered, stroking You. Then, she began to fill a bathtub with toothpaste.

Link punched her in the face. It gave her a bad nosebleed. She bled all over the toothpaste. Link died again because it was illegal in the Realm of the Goddesses to make somebody bleed over toothpaste.

(Farore was very sad. Link was her favorite.)

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: Okay. That didn't go as well as planned. Link's still a total idiot! XD Ah, well… At least he made more sense than what he was like in previous chapters. I'll try making him sane again in Chapter 15 (the Skyward Sword chapter, by the way), since I've already got the plot outline for Chapter 14…**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Thirteen – Completed October 21, 2011**_


	14. Ocarina of Toots : OoT

_**A/N: Happy Halloween, everyone! Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd gave me the plot outline for this chapter as well! :)**_

_**Enjoy! The Skyward Sword chapter is coming up next! (And sorry about the lateness!)**_

**~:~ Chapter Fourteen – Ocarina of Toots **(OoT-verse) **~:~**

Finally, after three minutes of painful work, Zelda's lifelong dream was complete. She had toiled over a hot stove just to get where she was now. Her perfect creation. Her one most important thing in the world.

It was so great that whenever she thought about it, Death Mountain would erupt and kill three Gorons.

It was _so_ awesome that whenever she looked at it, Zora's Domain would freeze over (and would also sometimes make King Zora to move an inch to the side).

It was _**so **_amazing that whenever she touched it, Navi would shut up for a whole five minutes.

This thing was…

_HERSELF._

(Everyone's reaction: O_O)

Four days after Zelda had created herself, Link walked up to her and asked for a bowl of chili powder.

"Chili powder. I need it," he said. Unfortunately, as he said this, he looked into Zelda's eyes, which caused Zora's Domain to freeze.

Zelda breathed in so that she could answer Link's request. In a tropical island far away, a hurricane wiped out an entire village.

"There…" she said, and a dolphin fell out of a sky, killing an innocent man in Kakariko Village, "…is…" A monkey ate a woman's leg right outside the castle. "…chili…" Every tree in Hyrule Field withered and died. "…powder…" Snow started falling in the Haunted Wasteland. "…in…" A Deku Scrub exploded, and the Kokiri hurriedly ate its remains. "…the…" A Dodongo mated with a zebra. "…kitchen." Link's hat fell off.

Link was so angry that he ran outside and kissed a tree.

"ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!"

Then we went back in time by stabbing the Master Sword into its pedestal. However, he accidentally put the sword in upside-down, so it messed up a bit.

Navi turned into a portable waffle iron. Link found himself as a child again, standing right outside Castle Town.

"Oh no! What did I not do?" he wailed. He turned around to see Impa's white horse riding off with Zelda. "Not this again! NOOOOO!"

"Shut up and take this magical musical instrument!" yelled Zelda, tossing him what he knew to be the Ocarina of Time. Link knew by now how bad Zelda's football skills were, so he jumped into the moat before it could land in it. This also kept him out of Ganondorf's way since he was riding a black Gerudo stallion, which meant that he wanted pancakes. Since Navi was a waffle iron, the Vaseline truck could not withstand the pressure of the atomic bomb, which caused Morpha to evolve into Queen Gohma, thus producing a horde of baby adult men who liked to eat planets.

THERE IS NO ICE CREAM! EVERYthing YOU KNOW is a not lie NOT!

"THERE IS ICE CREAM!" yelled Link, grabbing the Ocarina. "THERE MUST BE!"

I'M SORRY, Link. THERE IS NO ICE CREAM!1!1

"YES, THERE IS!"

I HAVE TO ORDER PIZZA OH NO NO NO DOUBLE RAINBOW! WHAT DOES IT MEAN? *cries*

Link decided not to argue anymore, since arguing was pointless and would only make whipped cream taste better. Link took the Ocarina from the moat and held it up in the air like he always does because the Goddesses cursed him that way.

(DA-NA-NA-NAAAAA!)

_You got the **Ocarina of Toots!** HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR. Good luck trying to save Hyrule with THAT!_

"Gasp!" said Link. "There really is no ice cream!"

And he cried.

"Wait, I know!" Link exclaimed. "I'll play the Bolero of Fire to make ice cream! DUH!"

He tried playing the Bolero of Fire.

_You played the **Song of Flatulence!**_

_Would you like to crave beans and/or burritos?_

_**Yes**_

_No_

Link pressed "Yes."

"DARN IT! I pressed the wrong button! STUPID CONTROLLER!" Link yelled in anger. He ragequitted, which caused Japan to explode.

"I guess we're not getting Skyward Sword, then," sighed Navi.

"— WAIT! I want some beans and burritos. Mmm…"

Link rushed back to Castle Town, where he saw a guy eating pi tacos.

"Give me your taco or else!" threatened Link.

"Ohohohoho. NO," said the man.

"I can fly by carrying [insert something here]!" boasted Link. "Watch!"

But he couldn't. So he ragequitted again, which made Termina blow up. He trashed the Ocarina of Toots in a recycle bin full of toxic waste.

"Navi!" called Link. "Make me a bowl of Communist Soup! QUICK!"

"YES, MASTER!" Navi said, obeying his every command. However, since Navi was a waffle iron, she tripped over water and ate bird poop. Eventually, though, she managed to make Communist Soup for Link by sacrificing the innocent souls of Castle Town to the Fierce Deity, who in turn used the souls to call his sickly grandmother who was living with her alligator in New Mexico. During the call, the alligator ate her leg, and she died of diarrhea.

Link sipped some of the soup.

"…"

"Do you like it?" asked Navi.

"Ah's a redneck hillbilly hobo!" exclaimed Link happily. "Ah's hankerin' t'become a millionaire one day. When ah was in skoo, ah was bullied by mah mom, dawgone it. She was so mean! An' then mah Paw came in an' beat her up. She went t'jail on account o' it was aginst th' law t'git beat up by a guy. So when ah got older, ah ate a cat, an' th' cat's name was Hairball, but it warn't pow'ful a hairball on account o' it warn't a hairball, but then ah bought a bed wif some of mah Rupees an' drowned in th' puddle outside mah house, which made me wonner how trimenjus mah fish was on account o' ah like trimenjus thin's. Speakin' of trimenjus thin's, doesn't yo' reckon th' sun is WAY too cold?"

Link bought a space tuna with a spare beetle he found crawling around in his tunic and used it to launch himself into the sun.

"Yessuh! Now ah can start a bran'-noo life on th' sun!"

Link took a moment to look at his surroundings. It was beautiful; the buttery color of the sun's flares was enough to blind him. The way the surface he was standing on illuminated the night sky was breathtaking. It was all so delicately ethereal.

3 nanoseconds later, he died of frostbite.

~x~X~x~

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Fourteen – Completed October 23, 2011**_

_**Uploaded on October 31, 2011**_


	15. Oyster : SS

_**A/N: So, here's the Skyward Sword chapter. A while ago I was busy doing all of this in-depth research and analysis on the game, picking apart every single little thing I could find in every video they would show us of the game.**_

_**I had to stop. I knew too much. But the spoilers kept on coming. I am now happy to say that I am no longer up-to-date on the latest Skyward Sword news, because if I was, that means that I would know the entire game's plot from beginning to end.**_

_**I'm referring to the text dump that was leaked yesterday. :(**_

_**Anyway, this chapter is pretty spoiler-free. There's basically no new information from what we've heard about the game since E3 2011, so it's safe to read. ******__(Not to mention that this is a CRACK FIC and shouldn't make sense anyway. XP) _Enjoy. :3

**~:~ Chapter Fifteen – Oyster **(SS-verse) **~:~**

Skyloft was a chunk of land floating above the other land because of a mystical power called "Flushing the Toilet." Since Skyloft discovered automatic toilets long before anybody else did, the power of Flushing the Toilet was strictly theirs, and they used it to make their beautiful floating land float in the sky.

Every day, each Skyloftian would have to partake in a ritual where they would gather Flushing the Toilets so that Skyloft could remain airborne. This ritual could take as little as five minutes to complete, but sometimes, something very bad happens and the ritual ends up taking -14 tomatoes and 17 years to finish. In this case, anyone who goes through this kind of lengthy ritual would be called a "FUYHFAKUTDOGPOOPLU."

One day, Zelda, a regular Skyloftian, was gathering Flushing the Toilet when she heard her bestest friend in the world, Link, trip over air outside her home.

"Oh no, Link tripped over air again," murmured Zelda, shaking her head as she gathered all of her belongings and prepared to flee the confines of her house. "I need to go before it's too late!"

But it was too late. Link had already tripped over air .12 seconds ago, and since Zelda didn't make it in time, the air got mad at her and caused a tornado to stir. The tornado ate Zelda and started to digest her using the stomach acid that it had picked up from a cow earlier.

"Stop it!" wailed Zelda. "I'm an accomplished FUYHFAKUTDOGPOOPLU!"

"Zelda!" Link screamed, worried that the headmaster of his school would behead him with a calculator for letting his daughter get sucked away by a tornado. He grabbed his trusty bug-catching net and then did a backflip off of Skyloft, all while tripping mid-air on a zebra that was eating a leopard turtle.

"DANG, MAAAAAN," neighed the zebra, "THIS AIN'T YO' TURTLE. GIT OFF."

"Why do I keep tripping over things?" wondered Link, still falling through the clouds with the net in his hands. All of a sudden, the net turned into a steamy fresh oyster.

"Oyster," said Oyster. Oyster. But it was too late. Oyster.

"Help me!" wailed Link, looking at the oyster named Oyster. "I need to save Zelda, but I forgot how to fly, and now I'm falling!" Then, he paused before adding, "And I forgot how to use Flushing the Toilet, SO NOW NO MORE CRICKETS WILL BE BORN!"

Somewhere far away, Baby Cricket was about to exit Mommy Cricket, but then Baby Cricket could not get born because he did not have enough Flushing the Toilet, so he had to slip back inside Mommy Cricket, where he threw an Open House Party and served refreshments in the form of Mommy Cricket's inner juices.

"Oyster," said Oyster.

"You're right," replied Link. "Crickets _can't_ be born! They hatch from eggs!"

Everyone at Baby Cricket's Open House Party attacked Link. When they jumped on him, the weight was so much that he was elevated back to Skyloft.

"Hmm," said Link. "I didn't know crickets could eat lions."

Unbeknownst to him, the crickets scurried off in a sudden plan to conquer Skyloft.

"What was I doing again?" Link pondered, looking at Oyster. He then felt very sad, for he remembered that Oyster was once his treasured bug-catching net that he had created out of twelve Flushing the Toilets.

"Oyster," said Oyster. Oyster jumped off of Skyloft and landed in Zelda's lap, since she landed just fine in the land below.

"OH HAI," greeted Zelda joyfully. "U LEIK MAH NOO ACCENT? THIS HOW DEY TALK DOWN HER."

Oyster exploded.

"NOOOUUUUUU," cried Zelda. "LINK NEEDS TO TAKE A SHOWAH."

Back in Skyloft, Link had just successfully captured a parsley Treeko. He attached a note to it and dropped it off the edge of the giant floating piece of land.

By the time the parsley Treeko landed in the world below, it was turned into a marshmallow and knew how to do complicated algebra. Zelda, who also knew how to do complicated algebra, found the marshmallow, turned it back into a parsley Treeko, and read the note that was attached to it.

_Dear Zelda,_

_I am a donkey. Oyster._

_Your donkey,_

_Link_

"AWW," sniffed Zelda, tears streaming down her face, "DAT'S SOOOOOOOO SWEET. MUST SEND HIM A PRESSSENT BAK BCUZ I IS A FUYHFAKUTDOGPOOPLU."

Zelda attached a boulder to the dead parsley Teekro and threw it back up to Skyloft, where the weight of the boulder caused Link to fall into a gigantic hot bowl of soup in somebody's bathtub.

"Aww, Zelda sent me a gift!" Link said, not realizing that he was pouring blood all over some poor little kid's giant bowl of burning soup. He got out before it was too late and walked out the door.

Ten minutes later, the little kid came out from his room after collecting two-hundred and twenty-one Flushing the Toilets and sat down to eat his soup.

"MMOMMEH, this tastes like blood and a very big rock!" he said happily. After he finished eating, he became a vampire and used necromancy to bring back Robby from the dead. Then, he took over Skyloft with the aid of the crickets.

"Hey, you can't do that!" retorted Robby.

"Why not?" asked the little vampire kid.

"BCUZ I PWN LAMP," announced Link heroically, bursting into the room in a ray of rainbows and sunshine.

"Oh no!" wailed the vampire kid. "Sunlight! This means I'm going to turn into a disco ball! Noooo!"

He started glittering profusely.

"I HAV ZELDA WIT ME TO," Link said, lifting his arm to reveal Zelda.

"HAI GUYZ," she said, curtseying, "I TAWT LINK HOW TO TAWK LEIK DIS. :D"

"YAYAYAYAYAY," Link confirmed. Zelda and Link lived happily ever after until Robby came and told Link that there was a random sword girl named Fi that he needed to see. He obediently went to go see her. When he got there, Fi impaled him with her pointy head, just 'cause she could.

"Hehehehe," chuckled Fi. "I need a cat."

_We are very disappointed, Fi,_ said a heavenly voice coming from the heavenly heavens in the heavens._ As your punishment for murdering the one who was supposed to save the world and all of its Flushing the Toilets, we give you this._

A cat appeared above her, but since Link was still stuck to Fi's head, it landed on his limp body instead of in the sword girl's arms.

"Noooooo!" cried Fi. "I NEED A CAT! Now I can never get one!"

And so the cat spent the rest of its life living on Link's decomposing corpse on Fi's head. Zelda went crazy because she had nobody to brush her teeth for her.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I was hoping that this chapter would be EPIC and AWESOME like we all know Skyward Sword is going to be. But of course, it didn't turn out that way. *sigh***_

_**At the time of writing this, we (North America XD) only have 11 more days until the release of the game! 8D**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Fifteen – Completed November 9, 2011**_

_**Uploaded on November 9, 2011**_


	16. Does Not Lick a Potato : MM

_**A/N: Plot by Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd. I blame my absence on Skyward Sword. ;)**_

**~:~ Chapter Sixteen – Does Not Lick a Potato **(MM-verse) **~:~**

One peaceful day in Termina, Link wandered into the Doggy Racetrack after being bitten by a rabid sea monster that wanted to purchase a computer at the local grocery store but didn't have enough money to. Noticing all of the fluffy giant small dogs running around, he put on the Mask of Truth since he was always nosy and wanted to read peoples' minds all the time.

_I KILLED MY MOM,_ one dog was thinking.

_HAMSTER,_ another dog was thinking.

_HAMSTER IN TOILET_, yet another dog was thinking.

_NEED SYRUP, _the dog after yet another dog was thinking.

_TEH PINAPPL IS COUNTIN' ON MEH,_ the dog with the unicorn butt was thinking. Realizing that this dog's thoughts caused him to realize his destiny, Link grabbed the dog and entered him into the dog race.

"I am LD-LINK-16," said Link. "LD-LINK-16 will bet 80 Rupees." He handed 80 Rupees to the woman person hosting the rigged dog race.

"OH HAR," she responded, taking his money. "FEUUU OVER THAR. YUS OVER THAR."

Link watched impatiently as his destined dog ran in the race. However, because it had an oversized unicorn butt that was _huge_ compared to the rest of its body, it came in last place.

"Noooooooooooooo!" wailed Link. "LD-LINK-16's money! Now what will LD-LINK-16 use to buy Zelda some cereal?"

But Link was determined to win his money back. He decided to enter the race again.

"Hmm, I wonder what LD-LINK-16 should pick this time…" he pondered. Then his eyes caught sight of a beautiful oversized unicorn butt. "OH EM GEE, this dog will definitely lead LD-LINK-16 to victory, unlike that last dog!" He entered the dog into the race.

Mr. Unicorn Butt came in last place again.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Link moaned, dropping to the ground and curling up like a bucket of boiled shrimp topped with rotten eggs and sold to a fat lamp with toasted butter ROADKILL penguin soup.

All of a suddenly, Zelda came in sudden and sudden slapped Link all of a suddenly.

"What's takin' so long to get mah potato?" she scolded him. "TEH PICKEL TASTES GOoooOD WIT HONAY MUSTARD AND RELISH!"

Knowing that Zelda was a window who ran away from home after getting washed by a maid, Link knew that he couldn't let her down. After all, Link and Zelda actually never met. They were like two honey badgers that had also never met.

Link walked up to the dogs one last time and boldly gave the woman person running the show the unicorn butt dog again.

"LD-LINK-16 wants to bet 1 Rupee this time," he said.

"TURKEY FEOOOAAA tree MAARGH," said the woman. "THREE KICKS TO WIN."

"Fair enough," Link responded, nodding dramatically at her over and over again. His head fell off since he nodded too many times, but Mr. Unicorn Butt was there to save him. Because the smell of a decapitated Hylian head invigorated hum, Mr. Unicorn Butt finally came in first place.

"GASP! LD-LINK-16 won the race!" proclaimed Link proudly. He accepted his prize—0 Rupees and a sparkly new factory-sealed Heart Piece in mint condition!

"Congratulations, Link!" announced Zelda. "You've just completed your 21st heart!"

Link felt very uncomfortable as yet another heart surfaced somewhere inside his body.

It was then that a voice said something. Something very important.

"**Link. You are banned from Termina because it is illegal to have 21 hearts.**"

"…Banned from Termina?" Link repeated. "NOOOOOO!"

However, instead of being banned, some Terminan soliders came and took him to the nonexistent Termina Castle, there the nonexistent king of Termina executed him by having him breathe air.

Link was very sad, so he is ghost floated to Zelda, who was still at the Doggy Racetrack since she got lost.

"Zelda! Zeeeelllldddaaaa!" he called, slapping her lungs. "I'm dead! NOW GIMME ALL YOUR—Wait a minute… You're not supposed to be here in Termina!"

Zelda said, "O_O" and then she said "Oh. Don't forget the mayo!" and then she said "EVIL radishes!" and then she said ":)" and then she disappeared in a broccolilicious cloud of artichokes.

It started raining.

Link started dancing in the rain.

Then he realized that ghosts couldn't dance.

SO HE DIED. But when ghosts die in Termina, they come back to life. So Link spent the rest of his life happily living in a sewer pipe with his 21 hearts. When he fell to old age and/or natural causes (that might not be very natural) many years later, his gravestone read: "LINK – survived 20 fatal heart attacks. Proud father of 2,649 imaginary children."

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: My plan on making Link sane FAILED HORRIBLY. XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Sixteen – Completed December 21, 2011**_

_**Uploaded on December 21, 2011**_


	17. I'm Not Crazy : Modern day

_**A/N: HEY**_

_**HEY GUESS WHAT**_

_**LINK IS SANE IN THIS CHAPTER! 8D**_

_**(Also, this story has reached 100 reviews! :D Yay!)**_

**~:~ Chapter Seventeen – I'm Not Crazy **(Modern-day) **~:~**

"So, Link," said the therapist, pacing around the room, "they've told me that you've been seeing fairies, spirits holding lanterns, and a short man in green tights. Is this true?"

Link sat uncomfortably in his large small poofy red chair, constantly eying the therapist while also constantly eying the clock at the same time.

"It _is _true," replied Link. "They're everywhere!"

The therapist sighed, sat down in the chair directly opposite to Link, and held his chin on his fist.

"Link," he started, "fairies don't exist. Spirits are just figments of the imagination. And I doubt you've been seeing a short man in green tights absolutely _everywhere_ you've been going."

"I'm not lying!" countered Link. "I'm serious! Every time my grandma wants me to catch fish for her in our lava pool in the backyard, I see a fairy! It's always this blue one that won't stop trying to get my attention by saying things like 'HEY!' or 'LISTEN!' or hovering over to random objects and changing color!"

The therapist shook his head disappointedly at Link.

"I'm afraid I'll have to send you to the asylum."

"WHAT?" Link got up out of his chair and backed away from the therapist. "I'm not crazy! You can't send me to an asylum just for saying I've been seeing fairies!"

"According to this pancake, yes, I can," responded the therapist as he sexily rubbed a waffle against his cheek. "Now hold still while I teleport you to the asylum using fairy magic!"

Link wouldn't take it and jumped out the window. He landed safely outside, where the citizens of Hyrule Castle Town gasped in awe.

"Oh my Farore! Did you see that? He just jumped out of a 50-story building and survived!"

"Luckily he was on the first floor when he jumped!"

"Harheharharharhahahaha!"

Link hitchhiked to Kakariko Village, where a woman in pajamas welcomed him into her house.

"WELCOME, LINK," she said as she turned around dramatically in her revolving chair as she stroked her fluffy cat. "I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU."

"R-really?" asked Link nervously.

"YES," she said. "THERE'S SOME SOUP FOR YOU IN THE KITCHEN. WHEN YOU'RE DONE, I NEED YOU TO DRAW THE MASTER SWORD OUT OF THE OVEN."

"…Master Sword?"

The woman slowly got out of her seat. She dropped her cat, and it died.

"IT IS TIME YOU LEARNED ABOUT THE GREAT DESTINY THAT YOU ARE DESTINED TO FULFILL BECAUSE YOU ARE DESTINED TO FULFILL THE DESTINY YOU WERE DESTINED TO FULFILL WHEN YOU FULFILL YOUR DESTINED DESTINY." She walked towards Link. "ALSO, I AM LICKING YOUR FACE OUT TONIGHT."

"W-what?" He tried to step away from her, but he was already pressed against the wall.

"WAIT, WHAT I MEAN IS: I AM LICKING YOUR FACE OUT TONIGHT."

"Oh, that clears it up."

"LINK!" the woman screamed as she ate a kitten. "THIS KITTEN DOES NOT TASTE GOOD."

"You don't say?"

Link looked out the window and saw the blue fairy again. He gasped and ran into the kitchen. The woman followed him.

"DON'T YOU SEE?" she said. "YOU CAN NOT RUN FROM YOUR DESTINY. HERE WE ARE IN THE LEGENDARY KITCHEN, INCHES AWAY FROM THE MASTER SWORD THAT IS STUCK IN MY OVEN."

Curiously, Link opened her oven and saw the short man in the green tights staring at him.

"WHY HELLO THERE," he said.

"Stop stalking me!" yelled Link, slamming the oven door. The woman put her shoulder on Link's foot.

"YOU MUST DRAW THE MASTER SWORD," she said.

"But _that guy_ is in there! STARING AT ME!"

"YOU MUST DRAW THE MASTER SWORD, OR ELSE I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS."

The woman started to wash the dishwasher.

"…Fine," Link groaned. He opened the oven again. The man in green tights smiled with all the force of the mighty mountain llamas.

"WHY HELLO AGAI—"

Link quickly drew the Master Sword and pointed it straight at the strange man.

"Who are you? Why have you been stalking me?" he demanded to know. There was a moment of silence. "…And don't talk in all caps like that woman in pajamas."

"I am Tingle!" said Tingle. "I have been following you because you taste like catnip, and I like catnip."

"…Wait, how do you know what I _taste_ like?"

"GASP! My secret is out!" exclaimed Tingle, dashing out of the oven. "That means that I must dance! Hit the lights!"

"What have I ever done to you?" yelled the lights angrily as the woman in pajamas obediently hit them with the dishwasher.

"Link!" called the woman as she continued to mistreat the lights. "Thanks to you, I no longer have to talk in all caps, and now I've been destined to serve Master Tingle for the rest of my life!"

"You make it sound like a good thing!" Link responded.

"It is!" said Tingle, hugging the woman's leg. "We were meant to be!"

Tingle started making out with the woman's hairy leg. Link turned away. Unfortunately, he was met face-to-face with THE FAIRY.

"Hello!" she said. "I am THE FAIRY!"

"No!" gasped Link. "Get away from me! I have a weapon!" He waved the Master Sword wildly. So wildly, in fact, that it turned into a stick of bologna and smacked him in the face.

"Hahaha!" THE FAIRY laughed. "That's what happens whenever I say 'THE FAIRY!'"

"What? Nooo!" All of the windows in the house turned into slices of ham and started attacking Link.

"Mwahahahahahahaha!" THE FAIRY laughed. "But actually, my name's not actually 'THE FAIRY.' I'm Navi!"

The woman and Tingle turned into pieces of angry steak and started to eat Link's shirt.

"WHY, NAVI? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?" Link yelled as the angry steaks pinned him down and began to nibble on his arms.

"For _revenge_! Don't you remember what you did to me all those years ago?" Navi replied, hovering around Link's head.

"Uhh… No."

"Well, it all started when I was a fairy!" began Navi, pacing around the room. "Back then, you were a Hylian. And I was a fairy. Because you were a Hylian and I was a fairy, I was a fairy! So when I was a fairy, I was a fairy. But there were other fairies too. Fairies come in different colors, like pink or green. I was a blue fairy. In fact, I was the _only_ blue fairy! So that made me a special fairy. One day, when I was still a fairy, you were a Hylian. So because you were a Hylian, you were bigger than me. I don't like things that are bigger than me, because I was a fairy. Therefore, I need to get revenge on you for being a Hylian!"

"WHAT? That's racist!" gasped Link as the two rabid steaks began to chew on his hair.

"Omnomnomnom," said Tingle-steak.

"Omnomnomnomnom," said Woman-steak.

"Oh, so you think you're better than me?" challenged Tingle-steak.

"I do believe I am!" countered Woman-steak.

"Omnomnomnomnomnom," said Tingle-steak.

"Omnomnomnomnomnomnom," said Woman-steak.

"This is boring," said Tingle-steak.

"I agree," said Woman-steak.

"We should do something else," said Tingle-steak.

"I agree," said Woman-steak.

"To Skyloft!" said Tingle-steak as he jumped off of Link and rushed out the door.

"To Skyloft!" said Woman-steak as she jumped off of Link and tripped on a spaceship. Woman-steak died of heart failure after Tingle-steak left her for another Woman-steak.

Link took this opportunity to take a bottle and capture Navi.

"HEY!" yelled Navi. "That's not very nice!"

"It doesn't have to be!" replied Link, rushing out of the house with the speed of a camel. "Once I show you to my therapist, he can finally admit that I'm _not_ crazy!"

Link arrived at his therapist's office two hours later because he took the Express Lane on a private jet that Princess Zelda personally sent to him after he had heard about his horrible problem. He slammed the bottle with Navi in it down on his desk.

"HA! Here's the fairy I've been seeing lately! WHAT NOW?"

The therapist smiled evilly.

"Oh, Link, you silly fool," he chuckled, lacing his fingers together as his facial features darkened. "Don't you understand?"

"…Understand what?" Link questioned.

"Well, you see…" started his therapist, "…you _used_ to be crazy, but then you took an arrow in the knee."

"I _what_?"

Link looked down at his knee. There was a tape dispenser there.

"Oh no!"

The tape exploder dispensed and everyone died.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I DID IT. I made Link sane again. XD**_

**_Arrow-in-the-knee jokes annoy me to no end. ARGH!_**

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Seventeen – Completed December 30, 2011**_

_**Uploaded on December 30, 2011**_


	18. Lady Gaga Wants to Eat Me : OoT

_**A/N: Happy Friday the 13th, everyone. ;) This chapter includes the wonderful Annie from the story "Ganondorf in my Crawlspace!"**_

**~:~ Chapter Eighteen – Lady Gaga Wants to Eat Me **(OoT-verse) **~:~**

After Link defeated Ganondorf and returned to his past, he found a friend named Bad Romance and decided to go to school together in Castle Town since Kokiri Village never had any schools.

The teacher's name was Will U. Eatme, but the students simply called him Mr. Eatme. Mr. Eatme had a horrible past of break-ups and divorces, and he was always looking for a girlfriend to break-up with again for fun.

One day, Mr. Eatme was slapping Link for wearing clothes in class. It was then that the chalkboard exploded, causing the school to become eco-friendly and serve better cafeteria food. Everyone rushed into the cafeteria just then.

"The food here is great!" said Bad Romance. She chewed with her mouth open.

"My butt hurts," complained Link. "Mr. Eatme slapped me too much."

All of a sudden, Mr. Eatme burst through the cafeteria doors and did a barrel roll. Then he ran up to Link.

"WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!" the teacher announced, pinching Link's cheek. Bad Romance stood on the sidelines, blushing.

"U no get Bad Romance," said Link, defiant. He took a pineapple and threw it at Bad Romance, killing her.

"NO MOAR BAD ROMANCE," cried Mr. Eatme. "MUST STAB CARROT."

He was about to stab a potato when nothing happened.

"I need to go through a dungeon!" said Link. Ever since his journey to stop Ganondorf, he developed an addiction with having to explore deadly dungeons every day.

He walked for miles and miles until he found the legendary Chicken Noodle Soup Temple. Link walked bravely into the first room, where he approached a girl holding a bucket of water. He walked up to her, stared her straight in the face, walked around her in circles six times, examined her clothes, and licked her cheek. She looked at him like he was crazy.

Because he was.

After he was done carefully examining her, Link stood in front of her again and looked directly into her eyes.

"WHO GOES THERE?" asked Link in his most demanding tone.

She facepalmed.

"My name is Annie," she introduced, holding up the bucket of water, "and it's your destiny to come with me so that we can make French Onion Soup together!"

Link looked around and started to eat his tunic, not paying any attention to her.

"…I have the Triforce of Power, by the way—"

"ALL ABOARD!" Link shouted, taking Annie's bucket of water and dashing towards the door leading deeper into the dungeon. He rubbed his face against it, but it wouldn't open.

"Silly Link, doors are for wolves," said Annie, using magic to magically open the magic door protected by magic. "Which I'm not. But I could be, if we finish making our French Onion Soup."

"I thought this place was the Chicken Noodle Soup Temple!" wondered Link, staring down at the bucket full of water that he was holding with his ear.

"It is," replied Annie.

"Then why are we making French Onion Soup?"

"Because we're rebels!"

Ganondorf appeared out of nowhere.

"WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM!" he laughed hysterically as he kissed the walls of the dungeon room. Then he died. Ganondorf dying triggered memories of Link's time with his best friend, Bad Romance.

"I want my Bad Romance," whispered Link sadly.

"It's okay, you were born this way," comforted Annie. "Look, there's a chest over there!"

Link rushed over to the chest…

DA-NA-NA-NAAAA! _You got the __**Onion! **__With this, you have the power to make things cry if you hold it in front of its face for a while!_

"This is great!" exclaimed Annie. "Let's put it in our bucket of water!"

"NO U," declined Link, running over to a lamp. He put the Onion in front of it. The lamp started crying.

"Link!" Annie called. "Stop that! What did that poor lamp ever do to you?" She snatched the Onion away and placed it into the bucket of water. "Only 28 more ingredients to go!"

"28?" Link repeated.

"Oh, sorry, I meant six."

"That's too many!"

"But it'll be worth it in the end, Link!" promised Annie. "Now come on!"

Link slipped on a toad and landed on a mountain within the dungeon called Glory.

"Wooooaaahhh!" gasped Link, looking over the edge of Glory. "WOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!"

"Link, stop messing around!" Annie said. "My jeans are about to expire in 12 minutes!"

"BUT I'M ON THE EDGE OF GLORY!" yelled Link, throwing a hippo over the edge. Navi caught the hippo and accidentally fell into the bucket of water.

"Oh, we only need five more ingredients!" announced Annie. "We'll be finished in no time." She dragged Link away from the edge of Glory and re-entered the Chicken Noodle Soup Temple.

"Wah yeao fuu," whined Link.

"According to this map, our next ingredient should be… UNDER YOUR SHOE!"

"GASP!" gasped Link, gasping. He lifted his shoe and saw his pants. "MAH PANTS!"

"That's right!" Annie said, dropping his pants into the bucket of water. "The most important ingredient!"

"But what am I going to wear on Zelda's birthday now?"

"This!" Annie held up a truck and gave it to him. "It's very comfortable. You should try it."

Link looked at the truck. He was in awe of its perfect shiny metal—the type of perfect he could never be.

"I'm going to name you Away," proclaimed Link.

"Wear Away, then," suggested Annie, stirring the bucket of water with the Onion, Navi, and Link's pants.

"I need to walk him first. He needs his exercise."

Annie stopped stirring.

"I'll walk him for you," she offered.

"If you walk Away, every day it will rain," said Link. "Rain. Rain. Rain."

Annie magically made a telephone pole appear.

"Could this telephone pole walk Away for you, then? His name is You, Baby."

"But then I might lose You, Baby," Link said. "There'll be no sunshine if I lose You, Baby."

You, Baby started crying, for he had an innate fear of getting lost while walking a truck.

"Okay…" sighed Annie, making the truck and the telephone pole vanish. "Would you rather have me give you something that's not foreign to this world?"

"Yes, please."

She made an Iron Knuckle appear.

"Have fun!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." Link screamed as loud as he could. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh."

"That reminds me!" said Annie, stealing the Iron Knuckle's axe. "This is our fourth ingredient! Now we only need three more!" She looked down at the checklist that she just made.

**Link's pants - - - - - X**

**Navi - - - - - X**

**Snowball**

**Water - - - - -X**

**Fish**

**Iron Knuckle's Axe - - - - - X**

**Laughter**

"Let's go, Link!" she called, grabbing the bucket of water filled with the perfectly lightweight ingredients. "This will be the best French Onion Soup EVER!"

"Want my Bad Romance," Link sniffed.

"You should let go of the past," comforted Annie. "It's okay."

Link looked glumly up at her before reluctantly nodding. Then he looked over to his side and glanced down at his hand, which was holding The Past's own hand.

"The Past," Link started, "we've had a lot of great times together. I'm so sorry, but I have to do this." He hesitated. "Goodbye."

And he let go of The Past.

"The Past could be used as a substitution for the fish that we need to cook this soup with!" realized Annie. She put The Past into the bucket of water and then marked off "Fish" on her checklist. "Now we only need a snowball and laughter!"

Link liked to kick horses.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Link. Annie quickly captured his laughter and put it into the nearly-completed bucket of soup.

**Link's pants - - - - - X**

**Navi - - - - - X**

**Snowball**

**Water - - - - - X**

**Fish - - - - - X**

**Iron Knuckle's Axe - - - - - X**

**Laughter - - - - - X**

"Last one!" she announced. "To Death Mountain!"

Link played the Bolero of Fire using his feet and warped to Death Mountain Crater, where a flaming blue flamingo was eating a water bottle.

"Great! Now let's look for snowballs!" Annie placed the bucket of soup down and began to search for a snowball. It was then that a lady appeared in front of her.

"Annie," she said with a voice as smooth as razor blades, "my name is Skyward Sword. I am your mother."

"OH!" Link exclaimed, rushing over to Skyward Sword. "BABY, BABY, BABY, OH! I wanted to buy you off of Amazon for like, 70 Rupees, but all of a sudden they raised your price overnight to like, 120! So can I like, buy you right now? I really, _really_ want to play you!"

"We're sorry; the ceiling fan that you are trying to purchase is out of stock. Please try again," Skyward Sword said. She turned to Annie. "My daughter, you must come with me. It is your destiny to eat THE MUFFIN."

"B-but…" Annie stuttered, glancing back at Link. "We didn't finish cooking our sou—"

"SILENCE!" boomed Skyward Sword, turning into a tomato.

"A tomato!" exclaimed Link. "I _love_ tomatoes!" He ran over and ate Skyward Sword.

"Link! No!" Annie wailed. "Whyyyyyy?"

Link got a stomachache and dived off the ledge of Death Mountain Crater, dying painfully in the cold, unforgiving lava.

Then a snowball fell from the sky.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I do not own the following songs: "Bad Romance," "Born This Way," "Edge of Glory," "It Will Rain," and "Baby." Nor am I claiming that I like or dislike these said songs. XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Eighteen – Completed January 13, 2012**_

_**Uploaded on January 13, 2012**_


	19. Lost : TP

_**A/N: OH HAI. This chapter was requested by Sir Reginald Pantloons 3rd. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't write it right…**_

**~:~ Chapter Nineteen – Lost **(TP-verse) **~:~**

Link was never hungry. He was _so_ never hungry today, in fact, that when he went into the Super Mega Awesome Fluffy Bunny Hyrulean Bakery Shop of DOOM located conveniently in a lava pool on Death Mountain, a random bystander decided to talk to him.

"Hey, I decided to talk to you," said the bystander. "Isn't that great?"

"Sure is," replied Link, looking around the bakery shop. "What do they sell here, anyway?"

"I dunno," the bystander answered, shrugging. "But I just stole your bow and arrows."

"…WHAT."

"Hehehehehehehe," chuckled the bystander. "Hehehehe. Hehe. Hehehehehe. Hehehehehe. Hehehe."

"Give those back!" demanded Link. "I need them!"

"For what?"

"I'm the Hero chosen by the Goddesses! I've been sent to defeat all evil!" Link desperately tried to reach for his bow, but to no avail. The bystander simply had very soft skin—so soft that Link got hungry. That meant that the sun liked to eat watermelons.

All of a sudden, the bystander grinned at Link.

"I used to be a Hero chosen by the Goddesses like you," he said, carefully drawing the bow, "but then I took an arrow in the knee."

The bystander shot Link in his left knee.

"OW! Why'd you do that for—OW!"

He shot Link again in his right knee.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)"

The bystander exploded into a million bits of candy wrappers, leaving Link's bow and arrow behind. As Link dramatically fell to the cold, unforgiving, and sexy floor, he became never hungry again.

It was then that Link became…

…_*ENLIGHTENED.*_

"I know what I must do now," whispered Link, his bloody knees quickly becoming bloody. He got up and rushed out of the Super Mega Awesome Fluffy Bunny Hyrulean Bakery Shop of DOOM, taking his bow with him.

And his bloody knees were very bloody.

Link ran to Hyrule Castle, where he met Zelda.

"Hello, Link," she said. "Hello, Link," she said again.

"Hello, Zelda," Link said. "You are a carrot."

"Yes, I am a carrot," Zelda said. "You are a cup of iced potatoes."

"Yes, I am cup of iced potatoes," Link said. Then he took out his bow. "I used to be a carrot like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee."

"That's a lame joke," Zelda said.

"Yes, it is a lame joke," Link said. He shot her in the knee. "But I was ordered to act like this by someone that has something to do with pantaloons."

As Zelda dramatically fell down to the floor, clutching her knee wound, she looked at Link since there was nothing more interesting to look at.

"I… I have to give you something, Link…" she said dramatically, reaching her perfectly perfect hand wrapped in porcelain skin with fingernails out to him.

"Yes, you have to give me something," Link said.

"Here… Take this…!"

"No," refused Link. "My watermelons are almost done cooking in the oven."

"Take it anyway."

"Okay."

Link took the item out of Zelda's hand.

"And now, I die," the princess whispered, closing her eyes and dying. Then she opened her eyes again and said, "I'm dead."

"Yes, you are dead," responded Link. He looked at the item in his hand. "What is this?"

"It's called a GPS system," replied Zelda. She looked around the room. "I'm dead."

"Yes, you are dead," Link said. "What does it do?"

"It's like a quieter Navi," Zelda answered.

"What's a Navi?"

"_That_," Zelda explained, "is what you must find out. Now go! You are my…"

And she didn't die.

"GASP!" gasped Link, gasping. "Zelda's my _mother_?" He nearly dropped the GPS system out of shock. "NO WAAAAAYYYY!"

He ran around in circles.

"NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!"

Then he tripped and fell on the ceiling. The ceiling didn't like him, so it ate Link's hat, which caused him to pass out.

The next morning, Link was walking through Faron Woods.

"What a nice day," Link said. Then he looked around, wondering who said that. "Yes, it is a nice day. Who is that?" He stopped walking and frantically looked around again. "Why are you stating the obvious? Of course it's a nice day! Where are you? Are you trying to hide from me?" He put his hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to strike. "I'm not the one trying to hide!" He just couldn't figure out who was talking to him. "Yes, you are! And why do you have the same voice as me?"

Then a monkey came and stole his dignity.

"My dignity!" gasped Link, dashing after it. "Give it back! I can't wear tights without it!"

The monkey accidentally ran off a ledge and fell into the abyss below.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" wailed Link. "My dignity!" He was so upset that he started running through the woods without looking.

Later, when he was less upset, he realized that he was lost.

"Oh noes," he whispered, glancing around. "I'm lost!"

It was then that a mysterious cloaked stranger wearing twenty belts and wielding an oversized sword came to him.

"You're lost?" asked the stranger. It was a question because it had a question mark at the end. "Here, have a banana."

"I don't get along well with bananas," wept Link. "Monkeys like bananas, and a monkey stole my dignity."

"But you are lost," said the stranger. Then he thought for a moment. "Why don't you just use that GPS system that Zelda gave you? Everyone in Hyrule Castle Town already knows that she gave you one."

"I lost it," responded Link.

"No, you didn't," the stranger said. "It's taped onto your hat. Right there."

Link took his hat off and looked at it.

"Yes, I know," he said. "But I'm lost. And since the GPS system was on me, that means it's lost, too! So I lost my GPS system!"

The stranger facepalmed.

"This is the consequence of not eating the banana," he scolded. "Next time, eat your carrot."

"No!"

Link did a pouty face. Then he licked his elbow.

"I can lick my elbow," he said. The stranger walked away and vanished into thin air. The stranger was now thin air since he vanished into it, and Link had to breathe air. But Link was allergic to the stranger. So his allergy symptoms started kicking in.

First, Link had a sudden urge to go blow on a rock. However, he couldn't blow on it strong enough, so it would never move. Aggravated, Link tried to walk away, but his symptoms kept on coming. When he looked at the sun, he saw the sun. He couldn't stand that! So he did a backflip off of a mountain and rolled down a hill with a tape dispenser.

"Gee," he said, "Nobody is a ceiling fan!"

"BWA BWA," a dinosaur said.

"Yes," replied Link. Then he pulled out his GPS system.

—_**Warning**__: this GPS system is planning to kill you—_

"What could that mean?" he wondered.

—_Please fry egg in toaster before dying—_

"I would, but I took an arrow in the knee."

All of a suddenly in all of suddenly suddenness, a man appeared out of nowhere!

"Greetings, holder of the GPS system!" he proclaimed in a loud voice. "I am Waterbottleman! I come from nowhere, which is a pretty boring place. Because I grew up with boredom, I came to give you a free sample of my new perfume!"

Watterbottleman threw a water bottle at Link.

"Enjoy!" he said. Link looked at him, dumbfounded. "And remember: If you ever see any signs of danger, call me! Waterbottle man, FLUSH DOWN THE TOILET~!"

And he went up, up, and not away. Because he stayed right beside Link.

"I want to cuddle with you," he said. "Please?"

"Eww, no," Link refused. "I like the small version of you better!"

Link cradled the water bottle "perfume sample" in his arms.

"B-but—"

"I need some fried chicken," Link said. "My GPS system will help me get there!"

—_**Unavailable. **__Please go back to blowing on that rock—_

"Aww. I don't want to blow on that rock anymore… It's too heavy!"

"HEY, Y U CALLIN ME FAT./," said the rock. "I NO FAT]- U R FAT+"

"How do you pronounce a symbol?" wondered Link as he noticed the rock's irregular speech patterns.

"DUN DO IT=," said the rock. "IT BAD FOR U.^ VER VER BAD.*!"

"$^%#$&^!" said Link. "Woah, how did I do that?"

—_**Error: **__Could not recognize voice. Preparing to kill in 3… 2… 1…_—

The GPS system summoned Exodia and went **OVER 9000!** on him.

The rock lived happily ever after while Zelda, the monkey, and Link were left wandering the fluffy streets of the afterlife.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I'm so tired. X_X**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Ninteteen – Completed February 29, 2012**_


	20. Link is a Musial Genius : OoT

_**A/N: WHO LIKES ROBOTS HERE? 8D**_

_**I don't.**_

_**But I do.**_

_**AT THE SAME TIME! AHAHAHAHAHA!**_

_**(Chapter suggested by Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3**__**rd**__**.)**_

**~:~ Chapter Twenty – Link is a Musical Genius **(OoT-verse) **~:~**

Link was walking one day. He saw the Ocarina of Time in the moat outside Castle Town.

"Oh, it's the Ocarina of Time," he commented as he reached to pick it up. "Cool."

"HEY!" Navi screamed. "With that Chaos Emerald, you can unlock unlimited power!"

"Shut up, Navi," scolded Link. "I'm trying to connect with my past selves in order to become a musical prodigy and play any song on this thing with ease." He closed his eyes and tried to imagine giant red birds.

"HEY!" yelled Navi again. "Look! You're all grown up now!"

Young Link became Adult Link.

"Navi, quit messing with my growth cycle! Do you know how painful it is to go through puberty in under 3 seconds?"

"To open a door, stand in front of it and press A!"

Link kicked Navi and sent her flying to Termina.

"Now I can concentrate on learning some mystical ocarina songs," said Link. "Something's telling me that I need to find a guy in tights with Sheikah skills." He looked around. "Oh, wait, I'm a guy in tights with awesome Sheikah skills. Heheh."

He did a karate chop at the air, but he missed, and the air took its chance to strike at him during his moment of weakness. Link fell to the floor, defeated. The air laughed maniacally and stole his hat as a reward.

"Nooo! My hat!" gasped Link. He reached out for it, but the air was gone. Steadily, he pulled himself up and looked at the Ocarina of Time. "No matter! I shall play the Song of Time on the Ocarina of Time to send myself back in time to the time when the air challenged me and my awesome Sheikah skills!"

_[Link plays the Song of Time]_

The wind started blowing, twisting the leaves from the ground up into a vicious spiral leading to the sky. He could feel the magic of the notes altering reality.

"YES!" Link yelled as he overreacted to his wonderful song. "YESSSS!"

Then, everything stopped. In front of Link was a pile of thyme.

"Wh… What are you?" Link snapped.

"I AM THYME," said the pile of thyme.

"You are not time," Link responded. "Time is time. Therefore, peanut butter."

"I AM THYME, THE SUPERIOR SPICE," said the pile of thyme again. "I SHALL EAT YOU."

"The Song of Time wasn't supposed to give me _thyme_!" gasped Link. "What—!"

"OMNOMNOMNOM," the pile of thyme gurgled as it swallowed Link whole. "MMM, HYLIAN. YUMMY."

A few days later, after the pile of thyme successfully digested Link and got rid of him, he decided to play the Ocarina of Time again.

"I'll show that stupid pile of thyme who's boss," muttered Link. "The Bolero of Fire should do the trick!"

_[Link plays the Bolero of Fire]_

Bags of Hot Cheetos started falling from the sky.

"Wh-What?" gasped Link as he was attacked by the chip bags. He grabbed one and read it. "Flamin' Hot… WHAT. NO. THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR."

Link was anger. So he threw the bag of Hot Cheetos on the floor because he was so anger. He could not control how anger he was, but he didn't want to go on like this, so he decided to play the Song of Healing in order to heal his broken spirit.

_[Link plays the Song of Healing]_

Link turned into a pile of Hot Pockets.

"RGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Another few days later, Link managed to learn how to deal with his new life as a pile of Hot Pockets. He successfully figured out how to get from place to place by squirting out his yummy inner filling at an extremely fast rate so that he could soar though the air as if he had a jetpack.

"Maybe the Deku Tree can help me," Link said. Even though he was a Hot Pocket, he managed to play the Minuet of Forest.

_[Link plays the Minuet of Forest]_

A tree made of beef stew, lollipops, and Queen Gohma appeared. Link became terribly hungry and ate it.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?" gasped Link. Then, he saw the Great Deku Tree ice-skating. Link licked him, which caused Kokiri Forest to become engulfed in flames.

"OH MAH GODDESSES!" screamed Link. "Mah treehouse is on fire!"

Thinking quickly, he played the Serenade of Water.

_[Link plays the Serenade of Water]_

Link was attacked by feral cabbages.

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!" Link wailed as he was continuously getting bit by those cabbages. (They loved Hot Pockets.) Eventually, Link had no choice but to eat a cabbage and become a veggie Hot Pocket in order to make the feral cabbages stop attacking him.

Three days later, he found Nabooru.

"HEY LANK," she wailed happily. "WHATCHA DOIN'?"

"Need tacos," mumbled Link, no longer a Hot Pocket.

"THAN PLAY THIS HERE SANG," she suggested. "CALLED THE REKWEEM AH SPIT."

"Requiem of Spirit?"

"REKWEEN AH SPIT."

"…Okay then," he agreed.

_[Link plays the Requiem of Spirit]_

All of a sudden, Link felt dizzy. His world went black, and he lost sight of Nabooru. When he woke up again, he was on a tiny island that was as big as a cow half the size of Link.

"Where am I?" he wondered. He looked all around him—there was nothing but water.

"You are in the greatest world in the world!" exclaimed a random man who wasn't wearing any clothes except for clothes.

"Who are you?" Link asked.

"I am Nabooru!" said Nabooru.

"B-but… What? Weren't you just— Aren't you supposed to be a woman?"

"I am Nabooru!" said Nabooru.

"But—"

"I am Nabooru!" said Nabooru.

"Oh, okay, fine…"

"Great!" the man named Nabooru exclaimed joyfully. "Would you like a tour of this world?"

"Sure, I guess…"

Nabooru grabbed Link and jumped into the water, where they started sinking at the rate of 100 lightbulbs per minute.

"Hey! I can breathe underwater without my Zora Tunic!" commented Link.

"YOU DON'T SAY?"

When they reached the bottom of the ocean, Link looked around curiously. There were stone buildings everywhere… and they all looked strangely familiar.

"To your left, you'll see the Water Temple," said Nabooru smugly.

"NO! Get me away from that place!" yelped Link.

"That's okay, you can go visit the Water Temple to your right," suggested Nabooru.

"Wait… What?"

"There's also a Water Temple in front of you. The one that looks like a stone building!"

"But they're all stone buildings!"

"EXACTLY!"

Nabooru made a trollface.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link wailed, dropping to his knees. "I've been sent to a world… full of Water Temples!"

"Hmm, it's pretty dark down here, since we're thousands of feet underwater and all," muttered Nabooru. "Hey, Link! Play the Prelude of Light!"

"I'll do it if you promise me it'll get me out of here!"

"Sure, why not?"

Link pulled out his ocarina.

_[Link plays the Prelude of Light]_

"Top of the day, mate!" he suddenly exclaimed happily.

"Link! You're a donkey!" said Nabooru.

"Would you fancy a cup of tea with me?" offered Link, much to his own surprise.

"OF COURSE I DO! I LOVE YO—"

Link pulled out the ocarina again and played the Nocturne of Shadow before he would force himself to say something he shouldn't to Nabooru.

_[Link plays the Nocturne of Shadow]_

Link was teleported back to Hyrule. He looked around. The wind was blowing, the grass was green, and the sky was blue.

"Everything's normal again…" Link sighed in relief. He lay down on the grass, savoring his moments of normalness.

All of a sudden, a girl with very long black-and-brown hair came up to him.

"Link," she said, "I want to kill you."

Link stood up and drew his sword that he had forgotten.

"I am not an elf!"

She drop kicked him in the face, and Link joined the 19 or more other Links who had met terrible fates throughout the course of this story.

Then, the girl turned around and shot Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd in the knee with an arrow. She flew off into the sunset with a guy wearing white spandex with very fluffy hair.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: NOW WASN'T THAT JUST A GREAT CHAPTER?**_

_**IT WAS GOOD WASN'T IT**_

_**WASN'T IT**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Twenty – Completed July 13, 2012**_

_**(Happy Friday the 13**__**th**__**, everyone. :3)**_


	21. Link's Academy for Failed Heroes : SS

_**A/N: Who actually reads these Author's Notes?**_

_**(Chapter suggested by Peppermint Larry, formerly known as Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3**__**rd**__**.)**_

**~:~ Chapter Twenty-One – Link's Academy for Failed Heroes **(SS-verse) **~:~**

Link sat on top of his fancy red Loftwing and watched as a random black tornado swept Zelda out of the sky and dragged her to the world below.

"Oh no!" he gasped. "My best friend just became a victim to the unparalleled forces of nature! I must try to save her by diving after her dramatically but with no guarantee of success!"

And so, Link dove after her on his Loftwing, but the tornado sent him back to Skyloft. The impact left him unconscious.

"I dun wan u," said the tornado. "I ver picky eatur. U taste no gud."

When Link woke up a few hours later, he saw Gaepora looking down on him as he slept.

"Eww," groaned Link. "Why are you watching me sleep?"

"Because that's what vampires do," Gaepora said, "and I am a vampire!"

At that moment, Zelda's father turned into a bat and flew off into the night, never to be seen again. Then, Instructor Owlan stepped into the room.

"Link, I have something very important to tell you," he said, sitting beside him on the bed. He patted him on the back. Link just gave him an awkward stare.

"Um… What would that be?"

"I'm not really your father. And Instructor Horwell isn't really your mother. I'm sorry, but…" Owlan pushed back some tears. "…you were adopted." Suddenly, the white-haired instructor buried his face in his palms and wept miserably. "I'm so sorry, Link! I should have told you sooner! I… I just…"

Instructor Horwell barged into the room.

"Owlan, dear!" he called. "Your car just got towed!"

"Oh no!" cried Owlan. "My car! MY LIFE! IT'S ALL OVER!"

Owlan and Horwell ran out of Link's room and left the academy, diving off Skyloft. Link was left alone to think with himself. Then he remembered that he failed at saving his best friend, Zelda. He would never be able to see her ever again.

"I'm such a failure," he wept. Just then, he had an idea. "Headmaster Gaepora and Instructors Owlan and Horwell just left the academy forever… That means I can take over since they're all gone now!"

And so, Link expelled all of the other students and started his new school: Link's Academy for Failed Heroes. It just so happened that he had also found the Fountain of Youth and gained immortality, so Link waited for many centuries for his first student to arrive. During that time, he also renamed himself "SS Link" for no particular reason.

One day, after hundreds of years, a kid wearing green showed up to his door.

"Hello!" SS Link said. "Welcome to Link's Academy for Failed Heroes."

"Um, where am I?" the kid asked. "How did I end up in a random deserted building in the sky?"

SS Link ignored him.

"Your name is now officially The Minish Cap Link—in other words, TMC Link!" he declared.

"Wait, what?" gasped TMC Link. "But my name is Carl!"

"Not anymore," remarked SS Link. "Now sit down in one of these horribly rusted old seats! Your first lesson is about to begin!"

TMC Link, not knowing what else to do, sat down in one of the seats.

"Good, good," muttered SS Link. "Now, listen closely! Lesson Number One: Never wear pants. Pants give you a better chance at succeeding in your quest for victory. If you don't wear pants, you'll probably freeze to death in some mountain or something, which means that you'll fail miserably! Which is good!"

TMC Link found the lesson oddly interesting.

"So, Mr. SS Link," he said, "when will the second lesson start?"

"In a few hundred centuries, more or less," SS Link replied. "Drink this water. You'll live forever." And so, TMC Link drank the water and lived forever.

Many years later, another kid dressed in green showed up at the door.

"Welcome, Four Swords Link!" greeted SS Link.

"Um, hi," said FS Link. "Look, I don't know why I'm here, but I was in the middle of drawing a magical sword before I was suddenly—"

"NO!" roared SS Link. "Lesson Number Two! You must _never _draw any magical sword, _ever!_" TMC Link rigorously took notes of the lesson. "FS Link, you will stay as a single Link forever and ever and ever and ever!" He said this as he shoved a glass full of the Fountain of Youth's water down the poor kid's throat. "And now, we wait."

They waited.

The next person to come was a teenaged boy wearing very long and shiny white underwear. He had the Master Sword on his back.

"Welcome, Ocarina of Time Link!" greeted SS Link, as always. "I see that you've disobeyed both of my teachings. To the naughty corner with you!"

"Wait, what?" OoT Link asked. "Who are you? Why do you look like me? Why am I here? Why is this floating island in the sky here?"

"You are at Link's Academy for Failed Heroes," said SS Link. "Long ago, I failed to save my friend, Zelda, and as a result, I never decided to defeat the evil that was lurking on the world below. I started my own school!"

"But… if you never defeated the evil below, then how do I exist?"

"I don't know," SS Link replied, "but who cares? Not us! We're failures! Right, class?"

TMC Link and FS Link nodded vigorously.

"Now, to the naughty corner, OoT Link!"

OoT Link sat in the naughty corner after he was removed of his long underwear and magical sword.

A few years later, _two_ people came to the door.

"Welcome, The Wind Waker Link and A Link to the Past Link!"

TWW Link and ALttP Link looked at each other awkwardly.

"You two are from separate timelines," explained SS Link. "ALttP Link, you're from the timeline when OoT Link failed to defeat Ganon—which, of course, is true since he's been studying at my precious academy for years." He turned to TWW Link. "You, on the other hand, need to work extra hard in order to become even half the failure your great ancestor was. He failed so hard that even by not doing anything, he split the timeline in three." SS Link gave OoT Link a thumbs-up. "My A-student! And to think that he started out in the naughty corner when he first came!"

"So—"

"Just take a seat, boys!" SS Link said. "Lesson Three: Always do the opposite of what your helper tells you to do. If your fairy companion tells you to go to Death Mountain, _don't_ go to Death Mountain! In fact, don't go to Death Mountain so much that the Goddesses start peeling onions from how much of a failure you are!"

"That didn't even make any sense," TWW Link remarked.

"Tch, freshmen," snickered TMC Link to FS Link, who nodded. "They'll learn eventually."

"Also," SS Link continued. "I have your test scores from two decades ago. Great job, guys! You all failed! _I am so proud!_"

They threw a party to celebrate their failure.

Over the years, many other people came: Oracle of Ages/Oracle of Seasons Link (named OoX Link), Link's Awakening Link, Twilight Princess Link, Spirit Tracks Link, Four Swords Adventures Link, The Legend of Zelda Link, and The Adventure of Link Link—who, instead of being called "TAoL Link," was named "Link Link" due to the fact that it was funny. The class spent many great centuries together, going through the lessons of how to be the greatest failed hero ever.

"Lesson One Hundred Fifty-Four: Always attack the Cucco," SS Link instructed. "_Always._"

"Teacher?" TP Link asked as he raised his hand. "What if attacking the Cucco causes you to use your newly-found mind control powers on it?"

"Then you must die by the hands of a swarm of Hylian Hornets," answered SS Link. "Only then will you become a true failure."

"Thank you, Teacher," responded TP Link.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

"I wonder who that could be," muttered SS Link. "My class roster is already filled out…"

He stepped over to the door and opened it. To his surprise, his Zelda was there.

"Link, where have you been all these years?!" she scolded. "I've been waiting for you to come save me!"

"Well, you see," he began to explain. "I tried to save you. But it didn't work. So I started a school for failed heroes, just like me! This is Link's Academy for Failed Heroes!" A lot of fireworks and confetti flew up behind him.

"Link, you idiot!" Zelda reprimanded. "Don't you realize that you failing to save me the first time was programmed into the game to always happen?!"

"…But—"

Zelda slapped him, and SS Link was reduced to 1/4ths of a heart.

"I drank from the Fountain of Youth!" he gasped. "How can this be?!"

Zelda raised her hand to slap him again in order to end his life, but Link Link jumped in the way just in time to save him.

"LINK LINK!" gasped SS Link, TMC Link, FS Link, OoT Link, TWW Link, ALttP Link, OoX Link, LA Link, TP Link, ST Link, FSA Link, and TLoZ Link.

"Don't… worry about me…" whispered Link Link with his dying breath. "Go on… become the failures… you were born to… become…"

And then, Link Link died.

"He was a true failure," sniffed ST Link.

"Agreed," said everyone else.

"I'm getting Mario to save me," groaned Zelda as she stormed out of the building.

~x~X~x~

_**A/N: I actually liked this chapter. XD**_

_**-Eternal Nocturne-**_

_**Chapter Twenty-One – Completed December 24, 2012**_


	22. Link Moves To Canada

**Hey all, it's not EternalNocturne! It's actually the Reg-Maestro (the former Sir Pantaloons). She's been busy as of late, so I wanted to write this as a filler chapter for Dying. Since I pretty much come up with every chapter idea now. Lel.**

(Chapter 22- Link Moves to Canada.)

It was a magnificent day in Hyrule. The sun was shining, the cuckoos were clucking, Zelda was Zeldaing, and Link was getting Zeldaed at.

"Link! You can't be the Queen of Hyrule! STOP ASKING!" a very annoyed Zelda yelled.

"I can be whatever I want, as long as I put my mind to it!" Link retorted.

The hero in green looked towards the camera and winked.

"Link, I've had it. I'm kicking you and your cameraman out of Hyrule. In fact, I'm kicking you out of the Legend of Zelda series. For my last gift for you, I've booked you and your cameraman two tickets to Canada."

Link's eyes widened. He knew that with all of the nice people, clean air, welfare, hockey, maple syrup, and Canadian accents, he wouldn't survive a minute there.

"B..b..but Zelda! I'm your boyfriend! You can't make me move to Canada! Not only will the goddesses not be able to look over me, but it will be in the one place both of us vowed never to go.

Link's cameraman zoomed into Link's mouth.

"The.

Real.

World."

Link's cameraman then took out his MasterPhone and played some dramatic music.

"Too bad, Link. I don't care. See you in the afterlife!"

Zelda then used her Captain Falcon powers to punch Link so hard, that he created a portal to the real world. The only obstacle left in Zelda's way was Link's cameraman. Unfortunately, this cameraman weighed well over three hundred pounds.

"Out you go, Tubbo." Zelda said, obviously irritated at the presence of this obese gentleman.

"I'll have you know that I'm big-boned. Even so, I won't move. I must defend Hyrule for Master Link! I will become the Hero of Time! Although, I'd much rather be the Hero of Twinkies…"

Link's cameraman then forgot about his quest and started dreaming about Twinkies.

"Hey, Tubbo, I'll give you a Twinkie if you go into that there portal in the sky."

Zelda pointed upwards to a gigantic, gaping portal that had a purplish substance oozing down from it, making the every Zora, Goron, or Hylian run for their pickle jars.

"Hm… One Twinkie, you say? You've got yourself a deal." Link's cameraman replied.

Once he had obtained his Twinkie, Link's cameraman used his fat rolls to fly through the air, causing an even greater ruckus in Hyrule. The Zoras constructed more Water Temples, the Gorons gave Volvagia a back massage, and those Hylians with low self-esteem decided to go live in a pineapple under the sea. Nobody recovered their bodies.

Once Link's cameraman reached the portal, he dove straight in, and started falling through the air.

Ever since he was cast for Skyward Sword, Link had an intense skydiving fetish. So, he took great pleasure in falling through the sky. However, he did not realize what was above him.

"Cameraman coming through!" yelled Link's cameraman.

Link began screaming as his cameraman fell on top of him. With the increased weight, Link and his cameraman began falling faster than the speed of sound, which caused Sonic to curl up in a corner with a bottle of whiskey.

"Get off me, Fatty Magoo!" Link screamed as the torturous girth of the rotund cameraman hurtled the two of them closer to the snowy ground below.

"NEVER CALL ME FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" exclaimed the furious fatty.

This prompted Link's cameraman to kick Link as hard as he could into the ground. So, while Link broke almost every bone in his body, his cameraman landed on his pinky finger.

"Good… thing… I… still… have… that… red… potion…" stuttered a dying Link.

"Oh, uh, I drank that. I thought it was Plateau Dew."

Just as those words escaped the cameraman's thirty-seven chins, two officials in red suits galloped over to Link on horses.

"Hello, eh! We're the Mounties. What brings you to our fine country of Canada, eh?" asked the Mounties.

"I'm… dying…" Link stammered, blood gushing from his multiple open wounds.

"Oh, don't worry, eh. We have a superhero just for times like this, eh!"

The Mounties blew a random whistle, and a man with a giant W on his chest picked Link and Link's cameraman up, and flew them to a hospital. Once there, Link passed out.

"Link… Link!... LINK! Wake up! I'm hungry!"

Link sat upright, sending the sheets covering him flying outside. He looked around in a confused manner, before finally throwing a spare sandwich at Link's cameraman. However, Link's cameraman looked different. Link finally realized that Link's cameraman had lost weight!

"Oh, you shouldn't have. While you were in that coma, the doctors put me on a diet. I lost one hundred and seventy pounds in three minutes! All thanks to the Canadian welfare!" stated Link's cameraman.

Link then remembered he was in the Real World. He then was shocked even further to find he was in Canada. He almost died when he heard that the Hoser was closed today.

"Quick, Tubbster! Let's build a log cabin and become Canadian citizens!"

Link grabbed Link's cameraman, and ran off into the sunset, gathering logs and Canadian citizenships. With the help of the Master Sword, Link built a log cabin and acquired a Canadian accent.

"We did a good job, eh. I couldn't have done it withoot you, Tubby!" Link squealed, overjoyed at the momentous occasion.

Meanwhile, back in Hyrule, Zelda decided to order tickets to go visit Canada. Gaepora delivered them in a matter of 3 to 5 business days, and Zelda boarded the Portal to Canada.

While Zelda was falling from the sky, Link and Link's cameraman were situated at the Hoser Hut.

"This is some nice maple syrup, eh!" Link said with happiness.

"At least Zelda isn't here to ruin our-" Link's cameraman was cut off when a Hylian princess covered in snow stormed through the doors.

"Link, you are coming back to Hyrule this instant! As princess, I shall have you beheaded if you refuse." Zelda screeched, infuriated with her "boyfriend".

"Ah, I'd love to, eh, but I belong here in the Canada! There aren't any Hoser Huts in Hyrule, now are there?" Link asked.

A girl dressed in black flew in with a scythe and beheaded Link. Link's cameraman then grew to the size of two cameramen and devoured the entire Hoser Hut, but only after the girl and Zelda escaped.

The girl's wings fell off, and she asked Zelda if she could go live in Hyrule.

"Eh, why not."

Just then, a huge ego fell from the sky with two Loftwings and a gigantic pompadour. The three flew back to Hyrule and were never heard from again.

"…and that kids, is the story of How I met your Twinkies." Link's cameraman concluded.

**A/N- (This was fun to write. Also no offense to Canadians. You hosers are the best.)**


End file.
